Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: Nope... that's a new one in here! And a very unpleasant one to think about! :roflblack:
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There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
Something to think about... :shocked:
Bob Denman
New member
So pull some jokes out and pitch them in here for us to enjoy! :2thumbs:
(Although we DO have to stay kind of close to the "safer" side of the menu... :shocked
(Although we DO have to stay kind of close to the "safer" side of the menu... :shocked
draboo
New member
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
draboo
New member
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
-----------------------------------
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
--------------------------------------
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says. '90!' replies the woman.
'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
-----------------------------------
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
--------------------------------------
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says. '90!' replies the woman.
'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Last edited:
ameobe
New member
A piece of string
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely "Sorry
but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!" The piece
of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down
the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help.
"Please" he says to one of the girls "would you tie a knot in me?"
This she does. "Please" the piece of string says to the other girl
"would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?"
so the girl obliges. "Thank you" says the string and he turns around,
goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again.
The barman looks at him quizzically and says
"Aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?" "No"
came the answer "I'm a frayed knot".
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely "Sorry
but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!" The piece
of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down
the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help.
"Please" he says to one of the girls "would you tie a knot in me?"
This she does. "Please" the piece of string says to the other girl
"would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?"
so the girl obliges. "Thank you" says the string and he turns around,
goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again.
The barman looks at him quizzically and says
"Aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?" "No"
came the answer "I'm a frayed knot".
Bob Denman
New member
I have been in manyplaces, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone.You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you haveto be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to myfriends,family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, andI'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt.That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to standfirm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm gettingolder.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really getsthe adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need allthe stimuliI can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember whatcountry I was in. It's an age thing.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you haveto be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to myfriends,family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, andI'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt.That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to standfirm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm gettingolder.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really getsthe adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need allthe stimuliI can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember whatcountry I was in. It's an age thing.
pellcitypete
New member
:roflblack:
PCBeachBum
New member
LiL LARRY
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
Bob Denman
New member
I'll bet that Larry knows about every little crack, crevice and spiderweb in each corner in his house! :roflblack: :thumbup:
dannymax
New member
ANYTIME!!
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on . . . It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."
His eyes now wide with interest, he responds,
"No kidding... I'm in Congress too" ..... What state do you represent?
"Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on . . . It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."
His eyes now wide with interest, he responds,
"No kidding... I'm in Congress too" ..... What state do you represent?
Phil
Mod Monster
DOG FOR SALE . . .
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a Bullsh****er. He's never been out of the yard'
Sent from my iPhone7 using Tapatalk
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a Bullsh****er. He's never been out of the yard'
Sent from my iPhone7 using Tapatalk
Bob Denman
New member
bruisersbaby
GOS member (Girls On Spyders)
Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Yaaa, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands.
"Vhere did yew git dat monster?"
"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from ...me Genie."
"You haff a Genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Yaaa, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?"
So, Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Olaf, "Yumpin' Yimmny, I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!"
Olaf answers, "Yaaa, I forgot to tell yew, da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch BIC?!
:clap:
"Yaaa, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands.
"Vhere did yew git dat monster?"
"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from ...me Genie."
"You haff a Genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Yaaa, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?"
So, Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Olaf, "Yumpin' Yimmny, I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!"
Olaf answers, "Yaaa, I forgot to tell yew, da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch BIC?!
:clap:
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