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Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
PCBeachBum
New member
Star Bucks
Blonde in Starbucks....
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
...
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands
the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
"W I N A B A G E L"
Blonde in Starbucks....
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
...
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands
the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
"W I N A B A G E L"
Bob Denman
New member
What's that website that does nothing but catalog all of the Blonde jokes??
PCBeachBum
New member
What's that website that does nothing but catalog all of the Blonde jokes??
I don't know, I got a big family with a lot of Blondes in it. :banghead: :roflblack::roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
:2thumbs:
bruisersbaby
GOS member (Girls On Spyders)
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out you idiot. You're on my side!" :clap::yes:
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out you idiot. You're on my side!" :clap::yes:
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked:
Is it too late to get a gig like that?? :roflblack:
Is it too late to get a gig like that?? :roflblack:
Yol Bolsun
New member
:roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
So THAT'S what they're supposed to be used for... :shocked: :roflblack: :thumbup:
NautiBrit
New member
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears and is quite impressed by his
sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking;
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says....
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears and is quite impressed by his
sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking;
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says....
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"
Bob Denman
New member
Gee.. I think that most of us have a list like that... But it takes more guts than I have to bring it up! :roflblack: :shocked:
PCBeachBum
New member
All Girl Biker Bar
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: :clap: :roflblack:
granpa in Cincy
New member
While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble." The lady started taking off her clothes..... Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."
SDM
New member
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were
in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed
in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You ...have $9000 in insurance compensation
coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married
for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now
she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were
in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed
in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You ...have $9000 in insurance compensation
coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married
for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now
she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."
hrbeta
New member
This is laugh-out-loud funny!
-------------
Your Duck is Dead--
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill,
which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150."
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
-------------
Your Duck is Dead--
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill,
which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150."
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
draboo
New member
I havent read this whole thread, so this may be a repost..
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day
around in a Mexican village.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did it look good, the smell
was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles
from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only
one serving per day because there is only one
bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order,
we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and
that evening was served the one and only
special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter,
he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious,
but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day
around in a Mexican village.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did it look good, the smell
was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles
from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only
one serving per day because there is only one
bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order,
we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and
that evening was served the one and only
special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter,
he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious,
but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.
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