Bob Denman
New member
I believe that my attempt was at humor showing how a phrase may be taken out of context... or to an illogical extreme...
"Owning Canadians????" :shocked:
-
There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
"Owning Canadians????" :shocked:
:agree:
Yazz
MOgang Member
The Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan, set up a program called Prevention Of Outdoor Pollution, or P.O.O.P. They are in the process of educating bears on enhanced defecating practices. Namely, scoop your stuff. They have installed receptacles with the appropriate self-decomposing baggies throughout the forest. The problem now is keeping enough Ursidae educators on staff. They keep disappearing.
As for the beavers, their dam case is now being heard in the Superior Court.
granpa in Cincy
New member
Husband Wanted
A woman places an ad in the paper.
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!
The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’
She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’
Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
‘Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’
A woman places an ad in the paper.
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!
The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’
She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’
Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
‘Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’
granpa in Cincy
New member
Blond Joke
Blonde joke of the week.
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...
~
Win a Bagel
Blonde joke of the week.
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...
~
Win a Bagel
Bob Denman
New member
NOW we're cooking!! :2thumbs: :clap:
ARtraveler
R.I.P. Dwayne
Yep! Now were cookin! 
hyea:hyea:
hyea:hyea:Trickie Dick
New member
Three
women die together in an
accident
And go to
heaven.
When
they get there, St. Peter says,
heaven.
When
they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only
have one rule here
in heaven:
have one rule here
in heaven:
Don't step
on the
ducks!'
So they enter heaven,
and sure enough,
on the
ducks!'
So they enter heaven,
and sure enough,
There are
ducks all over the
place.
ducks all over the
place.
It is
almost impossible not
to step on a
duck,
almost impossible not
to step on a
duck,
And
although they try their
best to avoid
them,
although they try their
best to avoid
them,
The first
woman accidentally
steps on one.
Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest
man she ever saw.
woman accidentally
steps on one.
Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest
man she ever saw.
St. Peter
chains them
together and
says,
chains them
together and
says,
'Your
punishment for stepping
on a duck is
to
punishment for stepping
on a duck is
to
Spend
eternity chained to
this ugly
man!'
eternity chained to
this ugly
man!'
The next
day,
day,
The second
woman steps
accidentally on a
duck
woman steps
accidentally on a
duck
And along
comes St. Peter,
comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't
miss a thing.
miss a thing.
With him is
another extremely
ugly man.
another extremely
ugly man.
He chains
them together
them together
With the
same admonishment as
for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this
and,
same admonishment as
for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this
and,
Not wanting
to be chained
to be chained
For all
eternity to an ugly
man, is
very,
eternity to an ugly
man, is
very,
VERY
careful where she
steps.
She manages
to go months
careful where she
steps.
She manages
to go months
Without
stepping on any
ducks,
stepping on any
ducks,
But
One day
St.Peter comes up to
her
St.Peter comes up to
her
With the
most handsome man
she has ever laid eyes
on
most handsome man
she has ever laid eyes
on
..... Very
tall, long
eyelashes,
muscular.
tall, long
eyelashes,
muscular.
St.
Peter chains them together without saying a
word.
The happy woman
says,
'I wonder
what I did to
deserve being
what I did to
deserve being
Chained to
you for all of
eternity?'
The guy
says,
you for all of
eternity?'
The guy
says,
'I don't
know about you,
know about you,
But I
stepped on a
Duck.
stepped on a
Duck.
Last edited by a moderator:
SpyderSteve
New member
:clap: :clap: :clap:
retread
New member
A pastor looked out his window Sunday morning; the sun was up, no clouds, not too warm.....Hmmmm.
He called his assistant and told him to take care of the services, then went to a golf course many miles away.
He teed off and got a hole in one, aced the second hole, and kept going through all the rest.
St. Peter was watching all this, and asked God, "why are you doing this? This guy walked out on his responsibilites today, and doesn't deserve it."
God asked him "who is he going to tell?"
He called his assistant and told him to take care of the services, then went to a golf course many miles away.
He teed off and got a hole in one, aced the second hole, and kept going through all the rest.
St. Peter was watching all this, and asked God, "why are you doing this? This guy walked out on his responsibilites today, and doesn't deserve it."
God asked him "who is he going to tell?"
Smokinspyder
New member
Bob Denman
New member
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. S
uddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, s
eemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the
man and said,
"Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 60 years."
uddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, s
eemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the
man and said,
"Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 60 years."
Bob Denman
New member
I found another...
A couple of firemen from New York City went into the Gander Mtn. store in Middletown to get outfitted for ice fishing. They found themselves
out on Swinging bridge reservoir freezing to death in a 25mph crosswind while the holes that they cut in the ice froze as fast as they
re-opened them.
Soon a young lad; no more than twelve came out on the ice towing a sled with his ice-fishing gear. He chopped a hole, dropped in a line,
and pulled out a pickerel almost immediately.
The men were stunned! What were they doing wrong? The one fellow decided to walk over and ask the boy what his secret was. As his buddy
sat their freezing, all he saw was a lot of gesturing and pointing. His pal started back across the ice shaking his head.
"I couldn't understand a single thing that kid said", the first firemen noted.
"Well I'm about froze solid; let me walk over and take a crack at him.", the second firemen offered.
Off he went into the wind; trying not to look like he was dying out in the middle of the lake.
"Excuse me son, but my buddy and I have been here since sunrise and haven't caught anything. I see now that you've caught several nice f
ish. What is your secret?"
"Yall mmmph er up ter rpattst!", the boy mumbled; or at least it sounded like that.
"Excuse me; I cannot understand what it is that you're trying to say to me."
A sudden look of recognition came over the boy's face. He cupped his hand in front of his mouth and spit into it. "You've got to keep your
bait warm, Mister."
A couple of firemen from New York City went into the Gander Mtn. store in Middletown to get outfitted for ice fishing. They found themselves
out on Swinging bridge reservoir freezing to death in a 25mph crosswind while the holes that they cut in the ice froze as fast as they
re-opened them.
Soon a young lad; no more than twelve came out on the ice towing a sled with his ice-fishing gear. He chopped a hole, dropped in a line,
and pulled out a pickerel almost immediately.
The men were stunned! What were they doing wrong? The one fellow decided to walk over and ask the boy what his secret was. As his buddy
sat their freezing, all he saw was a lot of gesturing and pointing. His pal started back across the ice shaking his head.
"I couldn't understand a single thing that kid said", the first firemen noted.
"Well I'm about froze solid; let me walk over and take a crack at him.", the second firemen offered.
Off he went into the wind; trying not to look like he was dying out in the middle of the lake.
"Excuse me son, but my buddy and I have been here since sunrise and haven't caught anything. I see now that you've caught several nice f
ish. What is your secret?"
"Yall mmmph er up ter rpattst!", the boy mumbled; or at least it sounded like that.
"Excuse me; I cannot understand what it is that you're trying to say to me."
A sudden look of recognition came over the boy's face. He cupped his hand in front of his mouth and spit into it. "You've got to keep your
bait warm, Mister."
Bob Denman
New member
It's not my fault that hius thread started; but I'm finding more and more stuff to put in here...
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to
court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule
Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you
were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the
road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the State Trooper on the scene that he was just
fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's
answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my
truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a State
Trooper came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot
her between the eyes. Then the Trooper came across the road with his gun
in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape
I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to
court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule
Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you
were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the
road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the State Trooper on the scene that he was just
fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's
answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my
truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a State
Trooper came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot
her between the eyes. Then the Trooper came across the road with his gun
in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape
I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
BLUE MULE
New member
The Brave Ship's Captain
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About
halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to
fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled
without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops!
"Captain, captain, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many
casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The
first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not
show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when
suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were
approaching!
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?"
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my
brown pants!"
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About
halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to
fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled
without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops!
"Captain, captain, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many
casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The
first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not
show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when
suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were
approaching!
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?"
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my
brown pants!"
BLUE MULE
New member
How to identify where a driver is from!
How to Identify Where a Driver is From
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
How to Identify Where a Driver is From
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
Bob Denman
New member
Nice... :clap:
We're picking up some speed now! :thumbup:
We're picking up some speed now! :thumbup:
Bob Denman
New member
A question for the Wives...
On the uselessness scale...
How far from "Good for Nothing"
Does
"Better than Nothing" fall??? :shocked:
On the uselessness scale...
How far from "Good for Nothing"
Does
"Better than Nothing" fall??? :shocked:
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