SpyderConvert
Member
A Benefit Of Growing Old
-
There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
The ONE thing that Your Mom never wants to see in an Airport... :shocked:
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
?What?s wrong, Bubba?? asked the pastor.
?I need you to pray for my hearing,? said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on Bubba?s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, ?So how?s your hearing??
?I don?t know,? said Bubba. ?It isn?t until next Tuesday.?
ray:ray:ray:
Jerry Baumchen
?What?s wrong, Bubba?? asked the pastor.
?I need you to pray for my hearing,? said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on Bubba?s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, ?So how?s your hearing??
?I don?t know,? said Bubba. ?It isn?t until next Tuesday.?
ray:ray:ray:Jerry Baumchen
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward.
The Baptist says, "One more son and I have a basketball team."
The Catholic says, "That's nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team."
The Mormon guy says, "That's nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course."
Jerry Baumchen
A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward.
The Baptist says, "One more son and I have a basketball team."
The Catholic says, "That's nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team."
The Mormon guy says, "That's nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course."
Jerry Baumchen
Last edited:
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A priest, an imam and a rabbi were discussing how they divide up the collection between God's needs and their needs.
The priest says: "Well, I put the collection on a tray, and then throw it all up in the air. What lands on the try is for God, and the rest is for me."
The imam says: "I have a very similar method. I take the collection and throw it up in the air; what I can catch I keep, and the rest is for God."
The rabbi says: "I also have a similar approach. I take the collection and throw it up in the air; what God catches is for Him, and the rest is for me."
Jerry Baumchen
A priest, an imam and a rabbi were discussing how they divide up the collection between God's needs and their needs.
The priest says: "Well, I put the collection on a tray, and then throw it all up in the air. What lands on the try is for God, and the rest is for me."
The imam says: "I have a very similar method. I take the collection and throw it up in the air; what I can catch I keep, and the rest is for God."
The rabbi says: "I also have a similar approach. I take the collection and throw it up in the air; what God catches is for Him, and the rest is for me."
Jerry Baumchen
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
After finishing his sermon, the preacher announced that a member of the congregation would play the piccolo for everyone.
After the piccolo player played for a few minutes, someone yelled out, "The piccolo player's a dipstick!".
The preacher jumped up and said, "Stop the music! ..Will the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick please stand up!"
No one stands. After a few seconds he says, "Will the person who is sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick please stand up!"
Again, no one stands. Then the preacher says, "Will the person who is sitting next to the person who is sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick please stand up!"
Again, no joy. Finally, a fellow stands. "Now we're getting somewhere!" says the preacher. "Are you the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick?".
"No, I'm not" says the fellow.
"Are you the person who is sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick?".
"Nope!" was the answer. "Then are you the person who is sitting next to the person who is sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick?"
"Un-uh!".
"Then what are you standing for?", asked the preacher in frustration.
"Well, I'm not the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick, or the person sitting next to him, or the person sitting next to him. What I want to know is who called that dipstick a piccolo player!"
Jerry Baumchen
After finishing his sermon, the preacher announced that a member of the congregation would play the piccolo for everyone.
After the piccolo player played for a few minutes, someone yelled out, "The piccolo player's a dipstick!".
The preacher jumped up and said, "Stop the music! ..Will the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick please stand up!"
No one stands. After a few seconds he says, "Will the person who is sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick please stand up!"
Again, no one stands. Then the preacher says, "Will the person who is sitting next to the person who is sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick please stand up!"
Again, no joy. Finally, a fellow stands. "Now we're getting somewhere!" says the preacher. "Are you the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick?".
"No, I'm not" says the fellow.
"Are you the person who is sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick?".
"Nope!" was the answer. "Then are you the person who is sitting next to the person who is sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick?"
"Un-uh!".
"Then what are you standing for?", asked the preacher in frustration.
"Well, I'm not the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick, or the person sitting next to him, or the person sitting next to him. What I want to know is who called that dipstick a piccolo player!"
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
:roflblack:
Joe T.
Member
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: Holy moley...
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
Jesus and Moses are playing golf. They get to the 7th hole which has a water hazard. Jesus takes out a 5 iron and tees up.
Moses says, "You can't clear the water with a 5 iron."
Jesus says, "That's what Arnold Palmer would do."
Jesus hits the ball right into the water.
Moses says, "I told you."
Jesus says, "I need a little help finding my ball."
Moses parts the water and Jesus walks out and picks up his ball. He tees up again with the 5 iron.
Moses says, "I told you last time you can't clear the water with that club.
Jesus says, "That?s what Arnold Palmer would do.?
He hits the ball into the water again. He asks Moses for a little help again. The water is parted and Jesus goes and picks up his ball again.
Jesus tees up again with the 5 iron and Moses says, "That's twice you hit the ball in the water with that club."
Jesus says, "That's what Arnold Palmer would do.?
Jesus hits the ball into the water again and Moses says, "You are on your own."
Jesus walks out on top of the water and reaches down feeling around for his ball.
All this delay is holding up the 4-some behind them. One of the golfers sees Jesus walking on the water comes up to Moses and says, "Who does he think he is walking on water, Jesus Christ."
Moses replies, "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer.?
Jerry Baumchen
Jesus and Moses are playing golf. They get to the 7th hole which has a water hazard. Jesus takes out a 5 iron and tees up.
Moses says, "You can't clear the water with a 5 iron."
Jesus says, "That's what Arnold Palmer would do."
Jesus hits the ball right into the water.
Moses says, "I told you."
Jesus says, "I need a little help finding my ball."
Moses parts the water and Jesus walks out and picks up his ball. He tees up again with the 5 iron.
Moses says, "I told you last time you can't clear the water with that club.
Jesus says, "That?s what Arnold Palmer would do.?
He hits the ball into the water again. He asks Moses for a little help again. The water is parted and Jesus goes and picks up his ball again.
Jesus tees up again with the 5 iron and Moses says, "That's twice you hit the ball in the water with that club."
Jesus says, "That's what Arnold Palmer would do.?
Jesus hits the ball into the water again and Moses says, "You are on your own."
Jesus walks out on top of the water and reaches down feeling around for his ball.
All this delay is holding up the 4-some behind them. One of the golfers sees Jesus walking on the water comes up to Moses and says, "Who does he think he is walking on water, Jesus Christ."
Moses replies, "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer.?
Jerry Baumchen
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A man has a home that's under evacuation order due to an approaching hurricane. He says, "I don't have to evacuate, God will protect me."
A few hours later, with 4 inches of water on the ground, somebody pulls up in a car and offers him a ride. He declines, saying, "It's OK, I will stay here, God will take care of me."
A few more hours pass and as the flood waters rise he's sitting on top of his car when somebody pulls up in a boat offering to take him to safety. He says, "Keep the space in your boat for others, God will look after me."
Several hours later he's on top of his roof as the waters continue to rise when a helicopter approaches trying to rescue him. Again, the man says, "I need no rescue, I have faith that God will save me".
Ultimately the waters continue to rise until the man drowns. He arrives at the Pearly Gates and sees God and asks, "My Lord, why didn't you save me???"
God responds, "What are you talking about, I sent a car, I sent a boat, I sent a helicopter...."
Jerry Baumchen
A man has a home that's under evacuation order due to an approaching hurricane. He says, "I don't have to evacuate, God will protect me."
A few hours later, with 4 inches of water on the ground, somebody pulls up in a car and offers him a ride. He declines, saying, "It's OK, I will stay here, God will take care of me."
A few more hours pass and as the flood waters rise he's sitting on top of his car when somebody pulls up in a boat offering to take him to safety. He says, "Keep the space in your boat for others, God will look after me."
Several hours later he's on top of his roof as the waters continue to rise when a helicopter approaches trying to rescue him. Again, the man says, "I need no rescue, I have faith that God will save me".
Ultimately the waters continue to rise until the man drowns. He arrives at the Pearly Gates and sees God and asks, "My Lord, why didn't you save me???"
God responds, "What are you talking about, I sent a car, I sent a boat, I sent a helicopter...."
Jerry Baumchen
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too!"
I said, ?Northern Conservative?Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
nojoke
Jerry Baumchen
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too!"
I said, ?Northern Conservative?Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
nojoke
Jerry Baumchen
Pirate looks at --
New member
Great to have you back with the Jokes Jerry!
Bob Denman
New member
Zip
New member
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Boeing pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "
The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Boeing pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "
The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.
SpyderConvert
Member
Good Lawyer Story
Lawyers !
And if you think lawyers don't have hearts, read the best lawyer story of all time...bar none.
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way worker paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
Lawyers !
And if you think lawyers don't have hearts, read the best lawyer story of all time...bar none.
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way worker paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
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