Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[SpyderConvert]

More Puns (Some Oldies)

1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.

2. I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.

4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

5. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.

7. It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.

8. It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

9. So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’? It’s not the end of the world.

10. Police were called to the day-care center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.

11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

12. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

16. Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?

17. I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.

18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

22. What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns.

23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.

 

[SpyderConvert]

The Firing Squad

Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

 

[Bob Denman]

:banghead:
She should have yelled "Sale at Macy's!"
Nobody would have known what she was talking about... :shocked::hun:

 

[Pirate looks at --]

Now those are funny!

 

[Bob Denman]

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients.As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recoveredquickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”​

 

[Bob Denman]

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Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing. :shocked:






​

 

[SpyderConvert]

Makes Sense

Man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?" the man continues.
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better" the old man answers with a smile.
"These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping?" the man continues his inquiry.
"Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night" says grandpa.
"At 10 O'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet . . . and, that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes
off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he inquires. "I'm told you're giving
an 85-year-old a Viagra tablet on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true."

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a
cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.
The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra keeps him from rolling
out of bed."

 

[Bob Denman]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medicationyou prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.."

​

​

 

[Bob Denman]

Bob and Ray, two government maintenance men, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and curiously asked what they were doing. We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox." She then loosened a few bolts at the flag's base and laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed,
"Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-Know-It-All" woman, he said, "We need the height and she gives us the length!"
Bob and Ray are still working for the government, but now they are Congressmen.
​

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

URGENT HEALTH ALERT

If you or anyone you know are taking the Viagra pill, make sure it says "Made in the USA"!​

We do not want the Russians meddling in our erections !!!!!!!!​

​

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

I ran into the back of a car a while back.

A gorgeous, leggy blond got out of the car, mad as hell. She said, "Ram me up the arse why don't you??"

And that your honour, is where I believe the confusion began.

:yes::yes::yes:

Jerry Baumchen
















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[/QUOTE]

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical.

After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen















​

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[Bob Denman]

:roflblack: Welcome back!:thumbup:

 

[Pirate looks at --]

:roflblack: Welcome back!:thumbup:

+1 on that Jerry!

 

[Bob Denman]

A Wife's Loving Relationship Seminar Advice to Attendees...

A group of women was at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart."

Next, the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love.

Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

8 Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. (My personal favorite!)

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?





















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[Soulman327]

My favorite joke

You must know what HIPPA is to get it, though.


Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Can't tell ya!

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: Wait a minute: that's NOT really all that funny; It's too true! :gaah:

 

[SpyderConvert]

Fighter Pilot Larry

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?

"Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"


"I wanna be Larry’s whore ...

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: