Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

CALLER:
Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That's what I want ...

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!.

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!!!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

 

[vided]

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: That beats the Hell out of ADT: doesn't it?

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[SpyderConvert]

British Nuns

There was a bus crash carrying nuns to a convention & all were killed.
Fronting up to the pearly gates, St Peter informed them they have to answer a question before admission.
The first one, Sister Sarah fronts St Pete. He asks: Have you ever had anything to do with a Penis???
To which she answers: Oh dear, When i worked as a nursing aid in St Johns Hospital, i accidentally saw a man patient's Penis.
St Pete said: That’s ok child, Bathe your eyes in this Holy Water & you can enter Heaven.
Next up Sister Veronica is asked the same question. Have you had anything to do with a Penis?
My goodness yes. I too worked at St Johns Hospital & had to wash an old man Patient & i had to wash his nether regions, thus touching his Penis. But only very briefly!
Well, That’s not too bad, child, Wash your hands in this holy Water & you can enter the kingdom of Heaven.

Suddenly from the back of the line up, came a bustling sister Francesca, panting & puffing, to the front.
St Peter was surprised & asked her what was her rush to enter heaven???
With quite a red face, she said: If i have to Gargle in that Holy Water, I want to do it before Mother Mary has to
wash her arse in it!!!

 

[vided]

Ok, ok, relax, it's a joke

 

[Bob Denman]

Yes... Just a joke!



I've got to give credit to Barry for this one. :clap::bowdown:

 

[Bob Denman]

Women...

 

[Bob Denman]

Men...

 

[vided]

 

[Zip]

City girl Shauna was driving back to town after attending a family funeral when she ran out of gasoline. It was getting late so she asked two good boys sitting on the stoop of a caravan, where she could get some gasoline.
“Well,” said one, “The filling station ain’t open untill tomorrow, but I reckon you can stay the night with me and Billy-Junior here.”
Shauna accepted the offer, only to be told that there was only one bed, which both Billy and Billy-Junior slept in. Thinking it might be fun, she went ahead anyway. When all three of them were all tucked in, they were just about to jump her bones when she halted proceedings.
Pulling out two preservatives, Shauna said, “You nice boys wouldn’t want me to get pregnant, would you? Here, put these on.”
They did. The three of them proceeded to have the time of their lives. In the morning the car got gassed up and Shaunal went back to the town.
Three months later, Billy and Billy-Ray were sitting on the stoop, chewing on some gum.
“Do you remember that city girl who stopped by here a while back?” asked Billy-Junior.
“Ah sure do,” said Billy, with a smirk.
“Do you really care if she gets pregnant?” B.-Junior asked.
“Not really,” said Billy.
“Well, lets get these strange things off of our di**s!”

 

[SpyderConvert]

On the Front Porch

On the first day, God created the dog and said,
"Sit all day by the door of your house and
bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For
this I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said,
"That's a long time to be barking. How about
only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them
laugh.. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said,
"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back
ten like the dog did?"
And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said
"You must go into the field with the farmer all
day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said,
"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give
back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.
For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said,
"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me
my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten
the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave
back; that makes eighty, okay?

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we
eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the
next forty years, we slave in the sun to support
our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey
tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for
the last ten years, we sit on the front porch
and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable
information. I'm doing it as a public service.

 

[SpyderConvert]

Husbands Who Dominated Their Wives

Husband dies, reaches the Pearly Gates. Finds two signs. First sign reads “For men who dominated their wives.” Second sign reads “For men who were dominated BY their wives.”

Second sign has a very long line of husbands. The new arrival gets in the line for husbands who dominated their wives. Looks around, he is the sole husband in that line. St Peter’s assistant inquires, “Why are you in the line for husbands who dominated their wives?”

His response: “Because my wife told me to.”

 

[Bob Denman]

Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that
appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for
now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavour.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic
jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about
32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and
here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after
you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle
launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish
the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.
You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre
of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating
food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure,
but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck
the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts,
the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice
but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish,
prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,'
and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me
that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

[Zip]

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself: “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.”
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out:
“No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.”

 

[Zip]

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill — I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”

 

[vided]