Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at

33000 feet when a cocky F-17 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

The F17 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio (that

is part of his state of the art 3D & million dollar headset), the F17

youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”

He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable

vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound

barrier, as the F17 screamed down at impossible G’s before leveling off

at almost sea level.

The F-17 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?

The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”

The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour, and

then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”

Puzzled, the cocky F-17 pilot asked, “What the hell did you do?”

The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked

to the back, went to the can to take a whiz, then got a cup of coffee

and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five

star hotel with the lead flight attendant paid for by the company."

LESSON OF LIFE:

When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may seem like a good

thing!

When you get older and smarter, comfort and dullness is not such a bad

thing!

It's called S.O.S.

Slower, Older and Smarter!

Dedicated to all my friends approaching the S.O.S. category...
​

 

[oldguyinTX]

The blonde got caught in a bad hailstorm, so she went to the body shop for a repair estimate. The body shop guy decided to have a little fun with her. He says, "you know you can fix this yourself for free. Just get down on your knees, blow real hard into the tailpipe, and you can pop the dents right out." She goes home, gets on her knees and is blowing furiously into the tailpipe when her blonde friend comes by and says "what are you doing?" The first blonde says "I'm trying to blow these dents out of my car." The second one says, "Well duh, you gotta roll up the window first."

 

[Bob Denman]

A guy goes into the Broomfield, Colorado, Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!

Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you
have got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at
10:00 am every day."

"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from
8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says.

"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in your coming in for that."

 

[Bob Denman]

Arming The School Staff: Version 2.0

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

Speaking of snow...

 

[kep-up]

Wife of the year?? Bringing that gnats' piss? I'd let her outside in the snow! Now bringing some Old speckled Hen or Hobgoblin, well that would warrant a totally different reception!

 

[SpyderConvert]

Engineers and Lawyers (Oldie)

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan,

"So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, "why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!

"Satan says, "No way, I really like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to find a lawyer?"

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

Wife of the year?? Bringing that gnats' piss? I'd let her outside in the snow! Now bringing some Old speckled Hen or Hobgoblin, well that would warrant a totally different reception!

But you've got to give her an "A", for the effort! :dontknow:

 

[Bob Denman]

View attachment 158487

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked::banghead::shocked:

 

[BigGuy66]

The man in the hot air balloon

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it's my fault!”

 

[Peter Aawen]

Yup, BigGuy, that just about covers it!! :thumbup:

 

[Bob Denman]

When his son refused to get a job, the father insisted he join the Marine Corps.
At the physical, the Doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room."What chart doc?" the young man asked.
"The one on the wall!" the doctor said.
"What wall?" said the young man.
Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, and wanting to fill the quota, the doctor asked his nurse to strip down and walk into the exam room.
"Now what do you see son?"
"Doc, I can't see a thing, I'm as blind as a bat."
"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said, "but your pecker is pointing straight towards Parris Island, South Carolina."
"Welcome to the U.S. Marine Corps."
​

 

[SpyderConvert]

Are You Listening?

 

[Bob Denman]

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy 11, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.


As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"



Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.



All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.



The trucker lowers the window. Again, she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"



When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, ..............



"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA, and I'm driving a SALT TRUCK.........."


​

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[vided]

 

[vided]

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.


While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men.
“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”


Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered,
“Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”


And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.