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Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This
too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has
no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from
school and go get dinner.
 
Little Miss Muffett
Sat on her tuffett
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spyder
And sat down beside her
And she jumped on that sucker and rode it off into the sunset.
 
I was really looking forward to my 10th high school reunion.
I couldn't help thinking about the cheer leaders I had known.

This is a shot of them back then:
then.jpg

At the reunion, I saw them.

This is a shot of them now:
Now.jpg

I have not been to another reunion since!
 
Jack was taking a walk in the park on his lunch break.
He saw a well dressed older gentleman sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out.
Jack couldn't help stopping.
He asked the elderly man 'What is the problem? Can I help you?'.
The old man looked up, and, wiping tears from his swollen eyes with a monogrammed handkerchief, said
'It's a bit of a long story, young man.
You see, I was recently married. My wife is a drop dead gorgeous 25 year old swim suit model.
At first I thought she was looking for my home and life insurance.
After the first month, I came to realize she really cared for me.
She would get up early each morning, greet me with a warm smile and a big kiss and make fresh coffee, and a healthy breakfast. She is an amazing cook!
Before she left for her latest photo shoot, she would lay out my wardrobe for the day. All of which were tailored for me as her gift to me.
At noon, she would come home, give me a very warm hug and kiss, prepare a delicious lunch, and tell me all about her morning.
Then each evening she would cook a scrumptious dinner.
Afterward we would snuggle on the couch with a glass of my favorite wine, and talk about our day.
Then, at bed time she would put on her most appealing lingerie, and make sweet gentle love with me.
I have never been happier, until today.'
Jack listened in amazement at the old man's story, but could find no reason for the elderly man's grief.
'But why are you sitting here crying your eyes out?' Jack asked him.
The miserable look on the old man's face was heart wrenching.
As his tears began anew, the gentleman sobbed 'Ive forgotten where I live!'
 
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]TOOL DICTIONARY[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]
[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]DRILL PRESS[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]WIRE WHEEL[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...??''

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]ELECTRIC HAND DRILL[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]SKILL SAW[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]PLIERS[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]BELT SANDER[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]HACKSAW[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]VISE-GRIPS[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]WELDING GLOVES[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]OXYACETYLENE TORCH[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]TABLE SAW[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]BAND SAW[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]AVIATION METAL SNIPS[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: See hacksaw.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]PRY BAR[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]HOSE CUTTER[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: A tool used to make hoses too short.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]HAMMER[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]MECHANIC'S KNIFE[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]DAMMIT TOOL[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.[/FONT]
 

Thanks Jerry, I liked that lot - there's a helluva lotta truth in it!! :roflblack: :2thumbs:

However, for some of us this (below) might be a bit easier to read :thumbup:

JerryWA said:
TOOL DICTIONARY

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Click to expand...
 
Last edited:
Peter Aawen said:

Thanks Jerry, I liked that lot - there's a helluva lotta truth in it!! :roflblack: :2thumbs:

However, for some of us this (below) might be a bit easier to read :thumbup:
Click to expand...

If only I knew you posted this before I read the above post... :banghead:
 
THE EIGHTY-THREE YEAR OLD LADY FINISHED HER ANNUAL PHYSICAL EXAMINATION, THE DOCTOR SAID, "YOU ARE IN FINE SHAPE FOR YOUR AGE, MRS. GREEN, BUT TELL ME, DO YOU STILL HAVE INTERCOURSE?"
"JUST A MINUTE, I'LL HAVE TO ASK MY HUSBAND", SHE SAID.

SHE STEPPED OUT INTO THE CROWDED RECEPTION ROOM AND YELLED OUT LOUD:

"BOB, DO WE STILL HAVE INTERCOURSE?"

THERE WAS A COMPLETE HUSH - YOU COULD HAVE HEARD A PIN DROP.

BOB ANSWERED IMPATIENTLY, "IF I TOLD YOU ONCE, IRMA, I'VE TOLD YOU A HUNDRED TIMES.




WHAT WE HAVE IS...

BLUE CROSS!"
 
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