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There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: I hope that you went home to brush floss and brush... :shocked:
SpyderConvert
Member
The Jewish Bookie
A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won.
As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
The bookie was elated.
He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's next blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he had on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was standing.
Confronting him, he exclaimed, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost all my money!"
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You aren't Catholic are you my son?"
"No, I'm Jewish."
"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites."
A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won.
As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
The bookie was elated.
He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's next blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he had on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was standing.
Confronting him, he exclaimed, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost all my money!"
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You aren't Catholic are you my son?"
"No, I'm Jewish."
"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites."
Bob Denman
New member
:clap: This one is going to all of my Jewish friends... they'll LOVE it! 
mowin
New member
Let's Piss Off Everyone and give Political correctness a day off:
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works best!
Added to top of my list of anti PC... :thumbup:
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: When did you meet my Missus? :dontknow:
mowin
New member
Lol, Yrs ago had a girlfriend mention her car was making weird squeaking sounds. She asked how to fix it. In a serious voice I said turn up the radio. She called me the next day and said she didn't understand how, but it worked. :yikes:. Think we lasted 3 weeks. :roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
Was that how long it took for her car to crap out? :roflblack:
mowin
New member
NOT sure... Think we were on the tail end of the 3rd week when this occurred. BTW, she wasn't blonde. Red head.
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: I have a "fatal attraction" for redheads... nojoke
SpyderConvert
Member
Sensitivity Training Needed
Sensitivity Training Needed....
1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.
3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway."
10. WARNING!!! IF YOU GET AN EMAIL TITLED, "NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON," DON'T OPEN IT. IT CONTAINS a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.
Message history
Sensitivity Training Needed....
1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.
3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway."
10. WARNING!!! IF YOU GET AN EMAIL TITLED, "NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON," DON'T OPEN IT. IT CONTAINS a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.
Message history
Bob Denman
New member
:clap: It may have cost me an entire cup of coffee spit out through my nose...:shocked:But it was worth it!! :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
I think that I'll call my Missus, and share these with her from a safe distance: AFTER she's already fed me lunch! :thumbup:
Bob Denman
New member
Oh! About #2...
Do you think that they might be Sisters?
Do you think that they might be Sisters?
Bob Denman
New member
VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I
had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he
fell asleep".
The poor man had no idea what to say!
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I
had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he
fell asleep".
The poor man had no idea what to say!
Bob Denman
New member
The proper way to recycle a pizza box...
It's how they do it in Alaska... :clap:
It's how they do it in Alaska... :clap:
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor."Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the salesman will know it was her who vented to the atmosphere.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That will be £58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"
He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor."Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the salesman will know it was her who vented to the atmosphere.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That will be £58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"
He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
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