Bob Denman
New member
:roflblack:
For some reason, it reminded me of this! :clap:
For some reason, it reminded me of this! :clap:
-
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Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
indication of how much trouble our country is in.
God Bless America ! ����
____________________
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble:
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter)
ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get
messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore)
staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information, and then he interrupted me with,
''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts ....''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained,
''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in
Africa ''
his response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called,
furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's
not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map
and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who
asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada
?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the
map.'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once
called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled
up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover
in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he
said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we
will need a car to drive between gates to save
time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last
week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight
from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33
a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois ,
but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought
that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked,
''Do airlines put your physical description on your
bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I
said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and
I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into
it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the
city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),
and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his
luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to
inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over
all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper
to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii
?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman,
Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know
which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,
''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of
these planes have that number on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I
need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on
one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter
plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu , La. Senator called and had a question
about the documents she needed in order to fly to China .
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her
that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've
been to China many times and never had to have one of
those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been
to China four times and every time they have accepted my
American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make
reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino,
New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are
you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the
man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm
sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the
country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be
silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your
map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do
you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big
animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that
it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE
TO BREED
God Bless America ! ����
____________________
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble:
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter)
ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get
messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore)
staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information, and then he interrupted me with,
''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts ....''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained,
''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in
Africa ''
his response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called,
furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's
not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map
and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who
asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada
?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the
map.'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once
called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled
up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover
in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he
said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we
will need a car to drive between gates to save
time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last
week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight
from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33
a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois ,
but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought
that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked,
''Do airlines put your physical description on your
bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I
said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and
I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into
it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the
city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),
and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his
luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to
inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over
all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper
to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii
?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman,
Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know
which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,
''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of
these planes have that number on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I
need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on
one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter
plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu , La. Senator called and had a question
about the documents she needed in order to fly to China .
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her
that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've
been to China many times and never had to have one of
those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been
to China four times and every time they have accepted my
American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make
reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino,
New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are
you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the
man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm
sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the
country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be
silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your
map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do
you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big
animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that
it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE
TO BREED
Last edited:
PrairieSpyder
New member
I'm not sure I believe those are real, Bob, but they're funny! :roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
The scariest part about them: Whether or not they are real; it's pretty easy to imagine our Lawmakers saying them! :yikes:
PrairieSpyder
New member
I lived in Atlanta when they hosted the 1996 summer Olympics. True story: A person in New Mexico who called in to get tickets and was told they could only sell to people in the US! :dontknow::lecturef_smilie:
So yes, it does happen.
Bob Denman
New member
mowin
New member
It's a good thing you didn't...:roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
I'm sorry that I'm late today!
I had to go bail Bosco (My Dog) out of Jail! nojoke
It seems that he and his buddies were celebrating Saint Patrick's Day in a boisterous manner, and decided to break into the Zoo, and party with the locals...
It got out of hand... :yikes:
Fortunately; the Tiger decided to not press charges... He was even drunker than Bosco! :roflblack:
I had to go bail Bosco (My Dog) out of Jail! nojoke
It seems that he and his buddies were celebrating Saint Patrick's Day in a boisterous manner, and decided to break into the Zoo, and party with the locals...
It got out of hand... :yikes:
Fortunately; the Tiger decided to not press charges... He was even drunker than Bosco! :roflblack:
SpyderConvert
Member
Hillbilly Vasectomy
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
‘The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
“4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia,
and All of Washington DC
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
‘The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
“4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia,
and All of Washington DC
Bob Denman
New member
:clap: :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack: :2thumbs:
SpyderConvert
Member
Texas Chili Cookoff - An Oldie
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy Christ, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer!
Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. pimple face is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy Christ, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer!
Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. pimple face is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Bob Denman
New member
:clap: When and where is this Chili Cook-Off being held??? :2thumbs:
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