Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[cuznjohn]

a old couple were sitting in a coffee house sipping on their coffee. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..........
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, " Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[vided]

Very clever

 

[Bob Denman]

I understand that Ellen DeGeneres has found an Uber-Driver who can beat the New York City traffic jams.



And do you think that there's anything wrong with this picture? :dontknow:

 

[cuznjohn]

she is a comedian, i see nothing wrong with the picture. i am not really a Ellen fan, but people just need to see the fun in stuff like that

 

[Bob Denman]

:agree: Let's not forget that Usain Bolt also thought that it was funny...

 

[cuznjohn]

the difference between theory and reality

little johnny comes home from school and asks his dad, WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEORY AND REALITY DAD. his father thinks for a minute and says, go in the kitchen and ask your mom, would she sleep with Fred next door for 1 million dollars. johnny says, dad she will get mad at me and hit me. dad says, don't worry johnny, just tell her i said to ask. so little johnny goes into the kitchen and asks his mom. he comes back and says, mom said she would sleep with Fred for 1 million dollars.
the father thinks again, and tells johnny, GO UPSTAIRS AND ASK YOU OLDER SISTER IF SHE WOULD SLEEP WITH FRED FOR 1 MILLION DOLLARS. johnny is really nervous now, but his dad said, DON'T WORRY, TELL
HER I SAID TO ASK. so johnny goes upstairs and asks his sister, then comes back down and tells his father, SHE SAID SHE WOULD ALSO. so dad tells johnny, here is the difference between the two son.

THEORY IS, WE ARE A COUPLE OF MILLIONAIRES, REALITY IS, WE ARE LIVING WITH A COUPLE OF SLUTS

 

[Bob Denman]

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a university chemistry exam.
The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state: that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2.If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"!!!

 

[mowin]

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a university chemistry exam.
The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state: that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2.If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"!!!

Sounds like Teresa gave him a "A" also..:yes:

 

[vided]

BEST & Sickest Golf Joke of all time




John was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He
began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell
phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an
accident and was in critical condition in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what
was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal
best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous
best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw
the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club
your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and
finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her
life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will
need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have
to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."
The man broke down and sobbed.
The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just screwing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Oliver Purblicoff was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Maureen, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly....

A few days later, Oliver got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Oliver, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force-trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"

Oliver: "Yes, sir, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, I found a golf ball wedged in her butt."

Oliver: "Was it a Titleist 3?”

Coroner: "Yes, it was."

Oliver: "That was my mulligan..."

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

What is it about Golf and Dead Wives? :dontknow:

A foursome was walking along the twelfth fairway, and approaching the green. They were all having a good time, and their banter was light and lively.
All off the sudden; a funeral procession appeared on the roadway. One of the Golfers faced toward the road, removed his hat, and bowed his head until after it had passed...
One of the others spoke up: "That was a nice thing that you did."
His reply: "Well; I WAS married to her for forty-one years!"

 

[vided]

Made me smile, bob

 

[vided]

On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?”

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Sam Mac]

Golfing Buddies

True Friendship

This guy brings his best golf buddy home,unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf. His wife screamsher head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup aren't done, the houseis a mess, and the dishes aren't done. I am completely exhausted! I did not getenough sleep last night!! Can't you see I'm still in my pajamas??? I can't bebothered with cooking tonight!! Why did you bring him home without letting meknow ahead of time, you stupid idiot?"

"Because, he is thinking of gettingmarried."

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]