Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[ottawa-rider]

See guys, I always knew that mowing the lawn wasn't good for men.Now, we know why, it's leads to painful though! LOL

 

[Bob Denman]

My Missus does the mowing... I get to run the "tools of ignorance" (string trimmer, and leaf blower).

 

[Cruzr Joe]

My Missus does the mowing... I get to run the "tools of ignorance" (string trimmer, and leaf blower).

And even his friend Leif don't like him anymore

Anonymous

 

[Bob Denman]

And even his friend Leif don't like him anymore

Anonymous

Do you think that it's because of his Wife's dalliances?

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

:banghead:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[vided]

Two buddies, Cory and Marty, were getting very drunk at a bar when
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suddenly Cory throws up all over himself.
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'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'
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Marty says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast
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pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you
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twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.
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So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
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Eventually Cory stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
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'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God,
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you're disgusting!'
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Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Cory says,
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Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only
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had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me...he had one
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too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said he's was berry
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sorry an' gave me twenties bucks for the cleaning bill!'
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His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks...'
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Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'
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[Bob Denman]

:shocked: :clap: :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack: :2thumbs:

 

[cuznjohn]

jerry and john were out drinking one night, it was about 2 am and both were very drunk. jerry said to john, oh man i am going to be in trouble again with the wife, he said i try so hard to try and sneak in and i still get caught. he continued, being i live at the bottom of a hill, i turn the car off at the top, i shut the lights and coast down into my driveway, i remove my shoes and pants outside the door, and tip toe into the house and up the stairs into the bedroom, as soon as i am in the bedroom she starts screaming sat me, and i end up on the couch for the next week.
well john started laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes. jerry looked at him and said, your wife doesn't get mad at you for being drunk. john said sure she does, but i have a way that makes he be quiet. jerry said, so what is that. john said, well i go racing down the block spinning my wheels, then i pull into the driveway very fast and slam on the brakes, i kick open the front door and then slam it closed. then i go running up the stairs to the bedroom fling open the door, jump on the bed, slap her on her bottom, and yell at the top of my lungs, honey i'm home, lets screw, SHE MAKES LIKE SHE IS SLEEPING and doesn't say a word:yes::yes:

 

[Bob Denman]

I call that a "win-win" situation... :thumbup:
If she stays quiet... :clap:
If she decides to acquiesce: even better! :yes::yes::yes:

 

[PrairieSpyder]

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: That's WAYYYY... too true! :shocked:

 

[Bob Denman]

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just 1 big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce,& cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.

3. How to prepare Tofu: 1.Throw it in the trash. 2.Grill some Meat

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag but ... I finished my 14-day diet in just 3 hrs & 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids & every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented...I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 50. I learn something new every day... & forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night ... He started searching for money so I got up & searched with him.

13. My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW!

14. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead & call it a day.

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[SpyderF3-s]

“I need a beer!”

FBI director Comey, Attorney General Lynch, and the Devil walk into a bar.

FBI director Comey tells the bartender, “I need a beer!” Bartender says “Hard day at the office?” Comey says “I just spent hours explaining to Congress why I did not indict Hillary. It was brutal!”.

Attorney General Lynch tells the bartender, “I need a beer!” Bartender says “Hard day at the office?” Lynch says “I just spent hours dodging Congress questions on why Hillary was not indicted. It was brutal!”

The Devil tells the bartender, “I’ll have two beers!” Bartender says “You must have really had a hard day at the office”. The Devil says “No I’m celebrating! Hillary is going to be elected as President and I can go on vacation for four years!”

 

[Bob Denman]

Since he's out of the race; is it okay that I post this? :shocked:

 

[Bob Denman]

Here's another one for "The Bern"...

 

[mowin]

My new shirt and hat. :yes:

 

[Bfromla]

Pilot:

A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, a Chief Master Sergeant from the local Air Force Base walked in and said to the shop keeper, "I'd like a line-service monkey please."

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took
out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief, "That'll be $1,000.00" The Chief paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them here are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah -- that was a line-service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all Air Force aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with zero mistakes. He's well worth the money."

With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000.00 price tag. "That one's really expensive! What can it do?"

"Oh, that one is a maintenance supervisor monkey. He can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The guy looked around a little more and found another monkey in a cage at the back of the store. The price tag read $50,000.00. "Holy cow! What does this one do?"

"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, flirt with the girl monkeys, and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a pilot."



I wasn't there but I still care!
POW MIA VETS

 

[Blue Star]

LESS FAMOUS PROVERBS

1. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

2. Everyone has a photographic memory; some don't have film. 3. A day without sunshine is like ... night. 4. On the other hand you have different fingers. 5. Change is inevitable except from a vending machine. 6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 7. When the chips are down the buffalo is empty. 8. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. 9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 11. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 12. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 13. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 14. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 15. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 16. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. 17. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 18. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. 19. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap:

Here's some more!

TRUISMS

-If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

-I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

-Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

-I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

-I'm great at multi-tasking...I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

-If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

-Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

-Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

-Take my advice...I'm not using it.

-I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

-Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

-Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

-I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

-Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

-I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

-Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

-If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

-Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

-When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

-My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

-There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

-Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

-Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

-I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

-The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

-I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

-I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

-If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you.

-Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

-If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

-Money is the root of all wealth.

-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.