Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

If this isn't a joke: I don't know what is... :dontknow:



And I'm sure that this gets pulled, and I get "goned"... :shocked:

But somebody had to post it...

 

[cuznjohn]

MY FBI POST WAS DELETED but yours is news

 

[Bob Denman]

Truthfully: I'm more than a bit surprised that it's still here... :dontknow:

 

[vided]

She's more Teflon the gotti
:banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

[Bob Denman]

Director Comey may have done much worse to her, than just indict her...
He turned her into a modern-day Pariah.
Anybody who watched his press conference, the news, or even read a newspaper today, can't dispute what he talked about.

 

[Sam Mac]

Hillary Defense

On my way to poker last night I didn't pay attention to the speed limit and was stopped by a police officer for speeding. I explained that although I knew the speed limit I had become "careless" and neglected the law. The officer sighed, stopped writing the ticket and said, "You can go. You just used the Hillary Defense."

 

[Bob Denman]

I'm gonna save that one, for my next "discussion" with the local officers... :2thumbs:

 

[vided]

On my way to poker last night I didn't pay attention to the speed limit and was stopped by a police officer for speeding. I explained that although I knew the speed limit I had become "careless" and neglected the law. The officer sighed, stopped writing the ticket and said, "You can go. You just used the Hillary Defense."

I'm gonna save that one, for my next "discussion" with the local officers... :2thumbs:

That is officially referered to as "the hillary Precedent" :thumbup:

 

[Bob Denman]

This One Is Kind Of Long...

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove\ it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
Damn!, I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think

'Oh God please die.... Pleeeeaze die'.

But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow

 

[vided]

so other wise Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play :clap::clap::clap:

 

[Bob Denman]

Welllll... maybe just a little bit. :roflblack:

 

[Machinegunner]

Thanks, Bob. I almost laughed too hard this early in the morning.

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Conjoined twins walk into a bar in Ireland and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the barman, "Don't mind us, fella; we're joined at the hip. I'm Sean, he's Paddy. Two Guinness please."

The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the brews. "Been on holiday yet, fellas?"

"Off to America next month," says Sean. "We go to the States every year, rent a big car, and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Paddy?"

Paddy nods.

"Ah, America!" says the barman. "Magic country...the sights, the people, the monuments, the food and especially the beer."

"Nah, we don't like that crap American beer," says Sean. "Guinness and spuds, that's for us, eh Paddy? And we can't stand the American people, they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to America?" asks the barman.

Sean replies: "Gives Paddy a chance to drive...

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[PrairieSpyder]

This is for Bob!

 

[PrairieSpyder]

 

[Bob Denman]

View attachment 133634

And I'm lovin' it, from in here! :clap:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.

He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began pestering him. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs , Florida decided
to take one of the jobs that mostAmericans are not willing to do.
Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove
and seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
She had a liberal arts degree from the University
of Michigan and had worked as a social worker
and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you,
have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said:
"I've been divorced three times, and have owned two Chryslers
She starts work in the morning

 

[mowin]

Men are deep thinkers.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what ?'

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers
about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally, I pondered an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than
a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with an answer to that question:

Getting kicked in the groin is more painful than having a baby, and even though
I obviously couldn't really "know"...here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,

"It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say:

"You know, I think I would like another kick in the groin."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

 

[Bob Denman]

While you're in the hammock: ask your Bride if she's willing to join you, and try making a baby...
If she says "yes", :thumbup: But then you can also remind her of your theory. After all: you're definitely not in the mood to have the boys get moved around by a boot! :yikes: