BoilerAnimal
New member
It just seems that the Donald Duck depiction is the most likely!
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There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing - Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean.
Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young
man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a
sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you
happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive"
With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but
comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.
From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of
red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me
food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," The captain says.
Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's
screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
throwing herself into the ocean.
Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young
man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a
sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you
happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive"
With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but
comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.
From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of
red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me
food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," The captain says.
Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's
screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Tanshanomi
New member
A young man meets an old Russian woman in Moscow. She tells him how difficult her life has been. "During the Soviet era, we had no luxuries, but we were comfortable. My one cherished possession was a distinctive gold locket my husband bought from a foreigner at great personal risk. When the communists fell from power, things got even worse and I was forced to sell it for a tenth of its value just to eat." The young man feels so bad for the old woman that he invests hundreds of hours looking for her locket, scouring second-hand shops across the region and searching countless online auctions. A year later, he finally finds it and buys it, excited to see how overjoyed she will be. When he brings it to her, she turns to him calmly and says, "It had a chain."
Bob Denman
New member
In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over -populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a building permit."
"I've been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"The Immigration Dept. is checking the
visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."
> "Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
"The Government beat me to it."
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over -populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a building permit."
"I've been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"The Immigration Dept. is checking the
visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."
> "Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
"The Government beat me to it."
vided
New member
Lucky lady
Florida woman stops alligator attack using a small Beretta pistol.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
Florida woman stops alligator attack using a small Beretta pistol.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible.
Bob Denman
New member
:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:PrairieSpyder
New member
When pilots design cars.
(I'm posting this here since the funny pictures thread is dead.)
Last edited:
mowin
New member
It's dead because of one POS that can't understand normal thinking.
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box !'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box !'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
I think that I might just have to try this excuse... Bob Denman
New member
Since at least ONE of these, should aggravate somebody: I think that I'm safe.
1. Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to
do was eat, drink and be Mary.
2. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a
turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
3. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find
himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made
it home safely.
4. Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the
window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
5. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women
happy. Nothing.
6. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the paralympics after
they tested positive for WD40.
7. An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is
making land mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets
are going through the roof.
1. Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to
do was eat, drink and be Mary.
2. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a
turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
3. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find
himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made
it home safely.
4. Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the
window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
5. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women
happy. Nothing.
6. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the paralympics after
they tested positive for WD40.
7. An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is
making land mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets
are going through the roof.
Bob Denman
New member
vided
New member
Things to do
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: They got you also; huh? :roflblack:
PrairieSpyder
New member
That's not very funny, Joe! :sour::lecturef_smilie:
Bob Denman
New member
THE HAIRCUT
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.'The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said: "BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!"
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.'The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said: "BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!"
mxz600
Free Thinking Member
Political Joke
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”
Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”
Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?
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