Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

Did you hear? The Capitol in DC is going to be renamed to The National Marble Barn! After all, it houses 535 jacka**es, some by party affiliation, the rest by legislative performance. :roflblack::roflblack:

A local farm equipment manufacturer is coming out with a new manure spreader. It's going to be called the Presidential Campaign model. It lumbers along slowly, wobbles a lot, does a lot of clattering and clanging, but boy, it sure does fling the sh**! :yes:

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack: :clap: :2thumbs:

 

[oldguyinTX]

 

[Iamjoey]

 

[Bfromla]

Glad we all like to share smiles.


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[vided]

Glad we all like to share smiles. View attachment 123801View attachment 123802View attachment 123803View attachment 123804


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i borrowed one of these.
will return it later :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
thanks:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I think that I've had all seven of them stay at my house... :banghead:

 

[vided]

It's amazing we all lived through their visit :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

 

[PrairieSpyder]

It's amazing we all lived through their visit :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

Be careful. You could still be in danger. nojoke

 

[Bob Denman]

Joe,
Who ever told you that I survived the ordeal? :shocked:

 

[vided]

Be careful. You could still be in danger. nojoke

 

[cuznjohn]

after 60 years together,

[FONT=&quot]Their three kids, all successful, [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]gushed Son No. 1.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]'Sorry I'm running late. [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Not to worry," said the father. [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]"Important thing is we're all together today."[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Son No. 2 arrived.
"You and Mom look great, Dad. [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]I just flew in from Montreal between depositions [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]and didn't have time to shop for you.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]“It’s nothing," said the father. [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]"We're glad you were able to come."[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Just then the daughter arrived.
"Hello and happy anniversary! [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]and I was really busy packing [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]so I didn't have time to get you anything."[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]After they had finished dessert, the father said, [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]"There's something your mother and I
have wanted to tell you for a long time.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]
You see, we were really poor, [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]but we managed to send each of you to college.
Through the years your mother [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]and I knew we loved each other very much, [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]but we just never found the time to get married."
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The three children gasped and said,[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]"WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]"Yep", said the father. "Cheap ones, too …"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

 

[Bob Denman]

Telling it like it is: Priceless! :2thumbs:
(My folks hope to be celebrating #64 in about three weeks...:thumbup

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

This thread today http://www.spyderlovers.com/forums/showthread.php?90127-Better-Late-Than-Never! reminds me of the following.

An old bachelor farmer finally gets married in his late sixties. A friend asked him why he waited so long to get married.

"Well, if she turns out to be a great wife she will have been worth waiting for! If she turns out to be a b***h, I won't have to live with her so long!"

 

[mowin]

Telling it like it is: Priceless! :2thumbs:
(My folks hope to be celebrating #64 in about three weeks...:thumbup

Tell your mom and dad I said happy 64th. :thumbup::cheers:..

 

[vided]

Best Presidential Joke I've heard this Year


President ***** walked into the bank to cash a check. As he approached
the cashier he said, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash
this check for me?


Cashier:


"It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?"
*****:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any
need to. I am Barack *****, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"
Cashier:


"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring
of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the
Dodd-Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.
*****:
"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you.
Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."


*****:
"I order you to cash this check!"

Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
*****:


***** stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing. I don't have a clue what to do.


Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[vided]

Glad I could provide a giggle :thumbup::thumbup:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you will be disconnected!

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

That was such a happy story... :clap:


...right up until it all went wrong! :shocked: