Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly
neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for
common words.
The winners are:-

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over
by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die,
your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition.
The winners are:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in
the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of romance.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially
impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't
get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis : Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon : it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things
that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect : The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at
you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally
walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three
in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're
eating.
And the pick of the literature:-
16. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an *******.

 

[Bob Denman]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are
designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female,
and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'),
because:
1... No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten
a better model.

The women won.

 

[Pirate looks at --]

Unfreakingbelievable

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly
neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for
common words.
The winners are:-

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over
by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die,
your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition.
The winners are:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in
the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of romance.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially
impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't
get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis : Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon : it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things
that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect : The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at
you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally
walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three
in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're
eating.
And the pick of the literature:-
16. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an *******.

:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

There's a lot of truth in them; right?

 

[Pirate looks at --]

Ingnoranus

There's a lot of truth in them; right?

Loved that one!

 

[Gator37]

Letter to editor of Chicago Tribune

I think all sports fans will get a kick out of this letter written to
the Chicago Tribune.... Enjoy !

No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington
Redskins, this is funny. Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the
Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change
for the Washington Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly
insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One
might argue that to name a professional football team after Native
Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be
careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and
courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland
Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name
Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland
Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of
militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white
folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team
named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to
that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion
among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New
Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and
pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the
Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to
our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or
even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a
growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our
children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to
our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to
rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become
involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-
nothing Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind,
suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon
State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers
(especially when they play Southern California . Do we really want the
Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the
Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the "Foreskins" to
better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in
Congress.
Sent from my iPad

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: :roflblack: :thumbup:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the bar, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a beer.

As he sat sipping his beer, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A 76 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my d*ck", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't p*ss out of it!" he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

This entire sad story of the Dentist, and Cecil the Lion; has me stumped.
Despite his protestations; it has been reported that he Poached the Lion! :shocked:

Wouldn't he have grilled it, with some seasoning? :dontknow:

 

[Iamjoey]

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: He's WAY smarter than the average college Sophomore! :thumbup:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I should have posted a warning with it...

DO NOT look at my previous post, if you are unsettled by the thought of lovely young ladies... :yikes:

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

:shocked: I should have posted a warning with it...

DO NOT look at my previous post, if you are unsettled by the thought of lovely young ladies... :yikes:

You love to push it to the edge while courting censorship, don't you? :yes: :roflblack: :lecturef_smilie:

 

[vided]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7nqcL0mjMjw

 

[Bob Denman]

You love to push it to the edge while courting censorship, don't you? :yes: :roflblack: :lecturef_smilie:

That one IS a bit closer to the edge than I originally thought...

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

That one IS a bit closer to the edge than I originally thought...

Here's one a bit tamer!

Retired guy goes to the Doc an asks for a prescription for Viagra. Doc tells him to take one about an hour before he wants action, that it will last only about 4 hours, and don't take another one for 24 hours. A few days later he decides this would be great time to use one so he pops one. A few minutes later his wife, who is still actively employed, calls and tells him, "Dear, there has been a huge accident downtown and traffic is all messed up solid. I won't be home for about 5 or 6 hours."
"Great, he thinks. Ten bucks wasted!" So he calls the Doc and asks what he should do.
"Is there anyone around you can get it on with, like maybe a neighbor lady?"
"I tried that once and she about killed me she so was so insulted!"
"How about a housekeeper. Do you have one?"
"Well Doc, the thing is, with the housekeeper I don't need Viagra!"

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: I LIKE it!! :2thumbs:

 

[Bob Denman]

Ever since this person was a child, he always had a fear of someone
under his bed at night.
So he went to a shrink and told him: “I've got
problems. Every time I go
to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm
scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands
for one year, said the shrink. Come talk
to me three times a week and we
should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” he said.

Six months later the doctor met him on the street. “Why didn't you come
to see me about those fears you were having?”
He asked.

“Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year,
is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”


“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude the shrink said, “and
how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the
legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”


It's always
better to get a second opinion!