Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

I've got to remember this one...








...for when it's MY time! :yikes:

 

[vided]

I've got to remember this one...








...for when it's MY time! :yikes:

Remember what.

 

[Bob Denman]

See what I mean? :sour:
They say that, "The memory is the SECOND thing to do, and I've forgotten what the first one was!" :gaah:

 

[OJ UK]

English joke.......very wry!!

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mike's wife begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

 

[OJ UK]

.....and there's more!

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured.
I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.
There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well.
I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers.
They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...
he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered,
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

 

[cuznjohn]

why do most italian have mustache's, because they want to be just like their mothers

 

[cuznjohn]

today i saw a woman dragging a mattress down a side walk in a not so great neighborhood. so i stopped and asked if she needed help, and she said NOPE. as she turned to walk away i saw a sign on the back of the mattress that said ROAD SERVICE

 

[vided]

she was a good business woman,
she knew the customer always comes first :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::yikes:

 

[Bob Denman]

So this Airmen Is getting close to the end of his deployment, and his letters home to his Wife, are starting to get a bit "racy". She starts replying back in the same manner...
His last letter home to her ends: "
You'd better have a mattress tied to your back, when I get off that Plane!"
Her reply:
'You'd better make sure that you're the first one to exit the aircraft!"

 

[PrairieSpyder]

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I get calls from our First Aid Squad all of the time; reminding me of this...


I wonder why? :dontknow:

 

[cuznjohn]

i use to sing in the shower, till i almost drowned one day hitting a high note

 

[Bob Denman]

While strolling around the
Harbor this morning about 11 a.m., I noticed this
character shouting "Allah be praised." and "Death to all infidels." and
suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was
carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen and abiding by the law of the land that
requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the
Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.
It is now 4 p.m. The terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities
have yet to respond.
I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps. :gaah:

 

[mowin]

While strolling around the
Harbor this morning about 11 a.m., I noticed this
character shouting "Allah be praised." and "Death to all infidels." and
suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was
carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen and abiding by the law of the land that
requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the
Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.
It is now 4 p.m. The terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities
have yet to respond.
I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps. :gaah:

:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

Giving credit where it's due...

...Thank our Cuzn for it! :clap: :thumbup:

 

[OJ UK]

 

[Bob Denman]

I'm waiting... :bbq::bbq::bbq:

 

[Bob Denman]

As long as nobody took any pictures of us at last night's office party, we might be okay...

 

[Bob Denman]

One Last Selfie...

 

[Bob Denman]