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Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
cuznjohn
New member
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
:banghead:
Jerry Baumchen
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
:banghead:
Jerry Baumchen
vided
New member
Redneck vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your
advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene
got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got
pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant
again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me."
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your
advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene
got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got
pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant
again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me."
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: Where's that damn goat NOW?? :roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
:lecturef_smilie: Rick... 
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: That's too true to be funny...
retread
New member
cuznjohn
New member
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
Bob Denman
New member
vided
New member
Bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman The note read: you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and seven inches in your pants... After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: "I have a Ferrari Marinelli, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful ski chalet in Aspen, a beach house in Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and investment portfolio. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches off my dick. So just send the ****ing wine back.........!!!! |
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town, the boy rode on the donkey, the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked: "What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding."
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.
Later they passed some people who remarked: "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they'd both walk.
Soon they passed some more people who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride."
They both decided to ride the donkey.
They passed some people who shamed them by saying: "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."
The boy and the man figured these people were probably right so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the donkey fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story, if you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your a** goodbye.
:banghead:
Jerry Baumchen
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town, the boy rode on the donkey, the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked: "What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding."
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.
Later they passed some people who remarked: "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they'd both walk.
Soon they passed some more people who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride."
They both decided to ride the donkey.
They passed some people who shamed them by saying: "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."
The boy and the man figured these people were probably right so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the donkey fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story, if you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your a** goodbye.
:banghead:
Jerry Baumchen
cuznjohn
New member
doctor bath tub test
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person, should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person, should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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