Working people sometimes ask me what I do to pass the time since I retired. I normally just tell them about something that I did recently. For example, I went to the store the other day. I was in there for only about five minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?”
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for a few minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
I finally said, "What the h.... Writing a half dozen tickets to an old guy!!" Parking, bald tires, license plate cover, worn wiper blades...you get the picture.
I started to to walk away and the officer shouted "Hey! Where ya goin'?" I retorted, "I'm goin' home. My wife just showed up to give me a ride." I got in her car and we drove away.
I think it's important at my age to have a little fun each day.
You and my buddy must have gone to different High Schools together; here's how he spends his days...
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. XXXXXX,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced
to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. XXXXX, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management
to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.
:thumbup:
ray:
