Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[Blue Star]

Always wear clean underwear in public


From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple.......... who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

 

[Phil]

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
To get to the same side.

A neutron walks into a bar. "How much for a beer", he asks. " For you.. . No charge"
Bada daaa bom bom.
Courtesy- Sheldon Cooper.


Phil, Tyler TX- from my iPad3.5 using Tapatalk HD

 

[Trickie Dick]

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
To get to the same side.

A neutron walks into a bar. "How much for a beer", he asks. " For you.. . No charge"
Bada daaa bom bom.
Courtesy- Sheldon Cooper.


Phil, Tyler TX- from my iPad3.5 using Tapatalk HD

Even Penny grimaced at those. :yikes:

 

[Bob Denman]

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the wife a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My wife packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

 

[SDM]

So Bob, visiting hours at the hospital are when???:yes:

 

[SDM]

Thought y'all might find this amusing!!!

 

[Bob Denman]

So Bob, visiting hours at the hospital are when???:yes:

I'm safe...so far! The Missus doesn't come in here at all!:yes:hyea:hyea::yes::thumbup:

 

[warp10]

The wooden Ball

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: :barf::roflblack:

 

[BAD RSS]

Hey fellas, all joking aside for a minute, I would like to share a personal experience with my family &
friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather ...nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and
now that it's in my garage. I don't know what to do with it….............any suggestions?

 

[Bob Denman]

Enter it in a demolition derby... :thumbup:

 

[bruiser]

Get your Hack license. You can make some serious bucks. But you'll have to learn another language.

 

[bruiser]

ould someone do this for me???

 

[Bob Denman]

What a great idea!!! :2thumbs: :firstplace:

 

[Spy+]

For hunters only...lol

A 65 year old guy is at the doctor doing his annual check up. When the doctor asks how he feels he answers: "I have never felt better. My girlfriend is 18 years old and she is expecting my child, not bad hah?" The doctor paused for a moment and said: "Let me tell you a story: I know a hunter that never misses a hunting opportunity. But one day he mistakenly attached his umbrella to his backpack instead of his rifle. When he reached the forest he was suddenly confronted by a bear. He removed the umbrella from the backpack, aimed at the bear and fired. The bear dropped to the ground and was dead." "Ha, ha, ha...that's impossible" laughed the old guy. "Another hunter must have fired the shot." "My words exactly" said the doctor.

 

[Blue Star]

The ultimate ethnic joke

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a very fine restaurant.
After scrutinizing the group the Maitre D says "I'm sorry......
You can't dine here without a Thai. "

 

[Bob Denman]

:banghead: :roflblack:

 

[draboo]

Business is GOOD!

Two young men just finished setting up their shop in a busy mall in Miami and were standing outside admiring their work. The shelves were empty and ready for inventory.

One young fella says to his partner,"Let's just stand out here for a bit and wait for some senior citizen to come by and ask what we are selling"

Sure enough, an old gentleman stops and asks,"What are you two young fellers selling here?"

"We are selling a$$holes" said one of them sarcastically.

"Business must be good" replied the ol' fart,"You only have two left!"

 

[asp125]

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist late in the week.


Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.


The trip to his office took about thirty-five minutes, so I didn’t have an time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.


I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, grabbed some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.


I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.


I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.


After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.


The rest of the day was normal: some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?” I told her to get another one from the cupboard.


She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back there.. ever."

 

[Bob Denman]

My wife being the romantic sort, sent me a text:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying,
send me your tears.
I love you .”

I replied, "I am on the commode. Please advise."