Bob Denman
New member
I believe that my attempt was at humor showing how a phrase may be taken out of context... or to an illogical extreme...
"Owning Canadians????" :shocked:
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Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
"Owning Canadians????" :shocked:
Yazz
MOgang Member
The Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan, set up a program called Prevention Of Outdoor Pollution, or P.O.O.P. They are in the process of educating bears on enhanced defecating practices. Namely, scoop your stuff. They have installed receptacles with the appropriate self-decomposing baggies throughout the forest. The problem now is keeping enough Ursidae educators on staff. They keep disappearing.
As for the beavers, their dam case is now being heard in the Superior Court.
granpa in Cincy
New member
Husband Wanted
A woman placed an ad in the paper.
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you… you have no legs!'
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can't run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don’t have any arms either!’
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed??'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn’t I?'
A woman placed an ad in the paper.
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you… you have no legs!'
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can't run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don’t have any arms either!’
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed??'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn’t I?'
granpa in Cincy
New member
Blond Joke
Blonde joke of the week.
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...
~
Win a Bagel
Blonde joke of the week.
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...
~
Win a Bagel
Bob Denman
New member
NOW we're cooking!! :2thumbs: :clap:
ARtraveler
R.I.P. Dwayne
Yep! Now were cookin! 
hyea:hyea:
hyea:hyea:Trickie Dick
New member
Three women die together in an accident
and go to Heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in Heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter Heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place. It is
almost impossible not to step on a duck,
and although they try their best to avoid them,
the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck.
And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together, with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not
wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,
is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,
But, one day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man
she has ever laid eyes on... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being
chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a Duck.'
retread
New member
A pastor looked out his window Sunday morning; the sun was up, no clouds, not too warm... Hmmmm.
He called his assistant and told him to take care of the services, then went to a golf course many miles away.
He teed off and got a hole in one, aced the second hole, and kept going through all the rest along the same lines.
St. Peter was watching all this, and asked God, "Why are you doing this? This guy walked out on his responsibilities today, and doesn't deserve it."
God asked him, "Who's he going to tell?"
He called his assistant and told him to take care of the services, then went to a golf course many miles away.
He teed off and got a hole in one, aced the second hole, and kept going through all the rest along the same lines.
St. Peter was watching all this, and asked God, "Why are you doing this? This guy walked out on his responsibilities today, and doesn't deserve it."
God asked him, "Who's he going to tell?"
Smokinspyder
New member
Bob Denman
New member
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man calmly replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 60 years."
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man calmly replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 60 years."
Bob Denman
New member
I found another...
A couple of firemen from New York City went into the Gander Mtn. store in Middletown to get outfitted for ice fishing. They found themselves
out on Swinging Bridge Reservoir freezing to death in a 25mph crosswind while the holes that they cut in the ice froze as fast as they
re-opened them.
Soon a young lad; no more than twelve, came out on the ice towing a sled with his ice-fishing gear. He chopped a hole, dropped in a line,
and pulled out a good sized pickerel almost immediately, then followed it with several more.
The men were stunned! What were they doing wrong? The one fellow decided to walk over and ask the boy what his secret was. As his buddy
sat there freezing, all he saw of the discussion was a lot of gesturing and pointing. Then his pal started back across the ice shaking his head.
Wgphen he got back, "I couldn't understand a single thing that kid said", the first firemen noted.
"Well, I'm about froze solid; let me walk over and take a crack at him.", the second firemen offered.
Off he went into the wind; trying not to look like he was dying out in the middle of the lake.
"Excuse me son, but my buddy and I have been here since sunrise and haven't caught anything. I see now that you've caught
several nice fish. What is your secret?"
"Yvle fgt er mump ter brrp rparmm, prsstrr!", the boy mumbled; or at least it sounded like that.
"Excuse me; I cannot understand what it is that you're trying to say to me."
A sudden look of recognition came over the boy's face. He cupped his hand in front of his mouth and spit into it.
"You've got to keep your bait warm, Mister."
A couple of firemen from New York City went into the Gander Mtn. store in Middletown to get outfitted for ice fishing. They found themselves
out on Swinging Bridge Reservoir freezing to death in a 25mph crosswind while the holes that they cut in the ice froze as fast as they
re-opened them.
Soon a young lad; no more than twelve, came out on the ice towing a sled with his ice-fishing gear. He chopped a hole, dropped in a line,
and pulled out a good sized pickerel almost immediately, then followed it with several more.
The men were stunned! What were they doing wrong? The one fellow decided to walk over and ask the boy what his secret was. As his buddy
sat there freezing, all he saw of the discussion was a lot of gesturing and pointing. Then his pal started back across the ice shaking his head.
Wgphen he got back, "I couldn't understand a single thing that kid said", the first firemen noted.
"Well, I'm about froze solid; let me walk over and take a crack at him.", the second firemen offered.
Off he went into the wind; trying not to look like he was dying out in the middle of the lake.
"Excuse me son, but my buddy and I have been here since sunrise and haven't caught anything. I see now that you've caught
several nice fish. What is your secret?"
"Yvle fgt er mump ter brrp rparmm, prsstrr!", the boy mumbled; or at least it sounded like that.
"Excuse me; I cannot understand what it is that you're trying to say to me."
A sudden look of recognition came over the boy's face. He cupped his hand in front of his mouth and spit into it.
"You've got to keep your bait warm, Mister."
Bob Denman
New member
It's not my fault that this thread started; but I'm finding more and more stuff to put in here...
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to
court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule
Bessie into the..."
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you
were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the
road...''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the State Trooper on the scene that he was just
fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's
answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my
truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a State
Trooper came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot
her between the eyes. Then the Trooper came across the road with his gun
in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape
I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to
court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule
Bessie into the..."
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you
were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the
road...''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the State Trooper on the scene that he was just
fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's
answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my
truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a State
Trooper came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot
her between the eyes. Then the Trooper came across the road with his gun
in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape
I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Last edited by a moderator:
BLUE MULE
New member
The Brave Ship's Captain
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About
halfway there, it was approached by a pirate ship, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to
fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled
without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops!
"Captain, captain, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many
casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The
first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not
show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when
suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were
approaching!
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?"
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker Captain.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my
brown trousers!"
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About
halfway there, it was approached by a pirate ship, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to
fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled
without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops!
"Captain, captain, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many
casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The
first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not
show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when
suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were
approaching!
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?"
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker Captain.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my
brown trousers!"
BLUE MULE
New member
How to identify where a driver is from!
How to Identify Where a Driver is From:
1. One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn: Chicago.
2. One hand on the wheel, one finger out the window: New York.
3. One hand on the wheel, one finger out the window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
4. One hand on the wheel, one hand on the newspaper, foot solidly on the accelerator: Boston.
5. One hand on the wheel, one hand on a non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling a cell phone, a brick on the accelerator, with a gun in his lap: Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on the wheel, eyes shut, both feet on the brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
7. Both hands in the air, gesturing, both feet on the accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: Italy.
8. One hand on a latte, one knee on the wheel, cradling a cell phone, foot on the brake, mind on the radio game: Seattle.
9. One hand on the wheel, one hand on a hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in the rear window, beer cans on the floor, squirrel tails attached to the antenna: West Virginia.
11. Two hands gripping the wheel, blue hair barely visible above the windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
How to Identify Where a Driver is From:
1. One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn: Chicago.
2. One hand on the wheel, one finger out the window: New York.
3. One hand on the wheel, one finger out the window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
4. One hand on the wheel, one hand on the newspaper, foot solidly on the accelerator: Boston.
5. One hand on the wheel, one hand on a non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling a cell phone, a brick on the accelerator, with a gun in his lap: Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on the wheel, eyes shut, both feet on the brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
7. Both hands in the air, gesturing, both feet on the accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: Italy.
8. One hand on a latte, one knee on the wheel, cradling a cell phone, foot on the brake, mind on the radio game: Seattle.
9. One hand on the wheel, one hand on a hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in the rear window, beer cans on the floor, squirrel tails attached to the antenna: West Virginia.
11. Two hands gripping the wheel, blue hair barely visible above the windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
Bob Denman
New member
Nice... :clap:
We're picking up some speed now! :thumbup:
We're picking up some speed now! :thumbup:
Bob Denman
New member
A question for the Wives...
On the uselessness scale...
How far from "Good for Nothing"
does "Better than Nothing" fall??? :shocked:
On the uselessness scale...
How far from "Good for Nothing"
does "Better than Nothing" fall??? :shocked:
Bob Denman
New member
My doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from
a bear in the heavy brush, marched up and down hills and valleys, stood in
a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of mud, sand, and creeks, and
jumped away from an aggressive crocodile.
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome
outdoors-man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer." :shocked:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from
a bear in the heavy brush, marched up and down hills and valleys, stood in
a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of mud, sand, and creeks, and
jumped away from an aggressive crocodile.
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome
outdoors-man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer." :shocked:
granpa in Cincy
New member
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."
ARtraveler
R.I.P. Dwayne
Hello Bob: :crackpipe:you are having way to much fun with this. :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
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