Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: :2thumbs:
And that pooch is all set for the barn dance!

 

[vided]

 

[SpyderConvert]

The Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Dave?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

 

[SpyderConvert]

Ain't It The Truth! Part 2

 

[Black Pig]

Priceless!! :2thumbs:

 

[Bob Denman]

:agree::clap::2thumbs:

 

[vided]

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: It's gonna be tough to shake that mental picture! :yikes:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked:



:yikes:

 

[Bob Denman]

:gaah::cus::gaah::cus::gaah:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

:dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow:

 

[SpyderConvert]

Best Golf Caddy Comments

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . You miss the ball much closer now.”

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually.”

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . .That would be too much of a
coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

 

[Bob Denman]

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells... 'THEIRS'?

 

[Blue Star]

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Being hair challenged I asked the person at the DMV that one time. She replied they use the hair color of my eyebrows nojoke

 

[Lew L]

Bald

Being hair challenged I asked the person at the DMV that one time. She replied they use the hair color of my eyebrows nojoke

I also was asked this question----- I had them put "bald" and they did.nojoke

Lew L

 

[Bob Denman]