Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

Each Friday night after work ole Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook a venison steak right out of the meat supply in his freezer.
Most all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And when Lent occurred
every spring, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. Well
during Lent the delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks caused
such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
Priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and after a few minutes he suggested
that Bubba become a Catholic. Bubba thought that was a wonderful
idea. And after many classes and much study, Bubba attended his first
Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were
born a Baptist, and you were raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly impressed and relieved by Bubba's
conversion until the first Friday night of Lent arrived. The wonderful
aroma of grilled venison again filled the entire neighborhood. The Priest
was called immediately by the disgruntled neighbors, and as the Priest
rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,
the Priest stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba,
clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over
the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a
deer, but now you is a catfish."

 

[keefer]

[h=2]Job Interview[/h][FONT=&quot]An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]And now you sir? He asked the second man.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed." as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I'd crapped my pants!"[/FONT]

 

[vided]

 

[MR. H1956]

Thanks

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. S
uddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, s
eemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the
man and said,
"Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 60 years."

Now that was funny. Thats the first time I've read this. Bob its good to start the day off with a laugh:roflblack:

 

[MR. H1956]

May be an oldie, but here goes.....

A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the country.

So, he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call."
The man, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The man thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the man.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The man, upon leaving New York decided to travel to see if western states had the same phone. He arrived in Texas, and, again, in the first church he entered,
there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call."

The man was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches.
I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the east and south the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Texas now, son, it's a local call."

Good one I'll have to:roflblack: to that one

 

[Bob Denman]

How much does that call cost from Tennessee? :thumbup:

 

[MR. H1956]

How much does that call cost from Tennessee? :thumbup:

Lots I'm afraid. But praying gets you a direct line to heaven.

 

[SpyderConvert]

Mother's Kiss

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that
they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So, the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!”

 

[SpyderConvert]

Prank on a Teacher

Be sure to turn your speakers on!!

[/video]

 

[SpyderConvert]

Golfing

 

[vided]

 

[vided]

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. The man
did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could
have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her
horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get
through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on
her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police
officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was
searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached
the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking
desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal
effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You
see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life'
license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday school' bumper sticker,
and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so
naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

[SpyderConvert]

50 Shades of Grey For Seniors


Back and forth . . . . Back and forth . . . .

In and out . . . . In and out . . . .

A little to the right . . . . A little to the left . . . .

She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . . Between her breasts . . . .

And, trickling down the small of her back . . . . She was getting near
to the end.
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife
moved . . .

Forwards then backwards. . . . Forward then backward. . . .

Again . . . . and again . . . .

Her heart was pounding now . . . . Her face was flushed . . . .

She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .

Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing
scream . . . .










"OK, OK, you smug bastard. I can't parallel park. You do it!"

 

[SpyderConvert]

The Jewish Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. [FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted [/FONT][FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]
all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he [/FONT][FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]
couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. [/FONT][FONT=helvetica,sans-serif] [/FONT]


[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West [/FONT][FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]
Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli [/FONT][FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight [/FONT][FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]
into a 15th story window 100 yards away. [/FONT]

[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif] [/FONT]


[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]KABOOM! [/FONT]

[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif] [/FONT]


[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. [/FONT]

[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif] [/FONT]


[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]KA-BLOOEY! [/FONT]

[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif] [/FONT]


[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. [/FONT]

[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif] [/FONT]


[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]BULLS-EYE! [/FONT]

[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif] [/FONT]


[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!" [/FONT]

[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif] [/FONT]


[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of [/FONT][FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]
football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl. [/FONT]

[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif] [/FONT]


[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the [/FONT][FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]
coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his [/FONT][FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]
Mother. [/FONT]

[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif] [/FONT]


[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" [/FONT]

[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif] [/FONT]


[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!" [/FONT]

[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif] [/FONT]


[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've [/FONT][FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]
won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands [/FONT][FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]
of my adoring fans." [/FONT]

[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif] [/FONT]


[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there [/FONT][FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your [/FONT][FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and [/FONT][FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]
I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The [/FONT][FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,... [/FONT]

[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif] [/FONT]


[FONT=helvetica,sans-serif]"I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!! [/FONT]

 

[SpyderConvert]

Seven Kinds of Sex

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Okay, Okay, it's an oldie...... Kinds Of Sex....​ ​ The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you areblue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called ..Kitchen Sex.This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will havesex anywhere, even in the kitchen.The 3rd kind of sex is called .. Bedroom Sex.This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.The 4th kind of sex is called ...Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for toolong. When you pass each other in the hallway youboth say ..... '**** You.' The 5th kind of sex is called .. Religious Sex.Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular) The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/hetakes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And Last but not least .. The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

[/FONT]

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[Bob Denman]

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READ:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:
Blind man driving.

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take
appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push! Push! Push!

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However,
if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak

And the best one for last
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"​

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: :barf: