Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: Damn... I WANT one of them!! :clap: :2thumbs:

 

[Bob Denman]

[FONT=&quot]D[/FONT][FONT=&quot]istracted Driving Incident[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are.........[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Woman[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]In a brand new
Cadillac[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Doing 65 mph[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]With her
Face up next to her[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Rear view mirror[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Putting on her eyeliner.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]I looked away[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]For a couple seconds...[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]To continue shaving[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]And when I looked back, she was[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Halfway over in my lane,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Still working on that makeup.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]As a man,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]I don't scare easily.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt And
I dropped[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]My electric shaver,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Which knocked[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]The donut[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Out of my other hand.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]In all[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Using my knees against[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The steering wheel,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]It knocked[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]My Cell P[/FONT][FONT=&quot]hone[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Away from my ear[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Which fell[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]into my coffee which was[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Between my legs,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Splashed,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]And burned[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Big Jim and the Twins.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Ruined the damn phone,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Soaked my trousers,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]And disconnected an
Important call.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Damn women drivers![/FONT]

 

[ARtraveler]

Distracted Driving Incident
Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are.........​

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman​

In a brand new
Cadillac​

Doing 65 mph​

With her
Face up next to her​

Rear view mirror​

Putting on her eyeliner.​

I looked away​

For a couple seconds...​

To continue shaving​

And when I looked back, she was​

Halfway over in my lane,​

Still working on that makeup.​

As a man,​

I don't scare easily.​

But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt And
I dropped​

My electric shaver,​

Which knocked​

The donut
Out of my other hand.​

In allThe confusion of trying
To straighten out the car​

Using my knees against
The steering wheel,​

It knocked​

My Cell Phone​

Away from my ear​

Which fell​

into my coffee which was​

Between my legs,​

Splashed,​

And burned​

Big Jim and the Twins.​

Ruined the damn phone,​

Soaked my trousers,​

And disconnected an
Important call.​

Damn women drivers!

Darn! Caught again...but thanks for not using my name. :bowdown::bowdown:

 

[Bob Denman]

We always protect our friends... :2thumbs:

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family,sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership.

Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory titleto a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property datedback to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual reply from the FHA)
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note there quest is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual response):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156has been received. I note you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application.I was unaware any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella,being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ,the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore,I believe it is safe to presume God also made the part of the world called Louisiana.God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it,and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

The loan was immediately approved.

 

[PrairieSpyder]

It would have been cheaper to buy title insurance!

 

[Bob Denman]

It would have been cheaper to buy title insurance!

I sell that... :2thumbs:

 

[Black Pig]

I think the wife's taken the news of James Bonds death really badly.

I came home from work early, and she's upstairs in the bedroom screaming "Roger, more, Roger, more"
So I left her to it.

.................

The 2022 World Cup will be held in Qatar, a country where you cannot drink alcohol.

This will be the one World Cup the Scots will ironically qualify for.

.................

Thinking of getting rid of the wife, British Gas say they will give me £50 for my old boiler.

.................

A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, “Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys."

The redneck said, "Well, I'm not surprised. I have a penis on me like a fercking chimney."

The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black.

..................

Sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears.
Sometimes when you are worried, no one sees your pain.
Sometimes when you are happy, no one sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

...................

My boss called me yesterday and said, "Where the hell are you?"
I said, "I'm relaxing in my garden with my mate Dave, I'm already on my 4th can of lager."
"I don't ferking believe you!" He shouted.
"Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me, "Dave, isn't this my 4th can?"

...................

I once used my boobs to get out of a speeding ticket.
I flashed them at the policeman and he walked off in disgust saying, "Jesus, you need to go on a diet mate."

...................

Boy gets home from school and says,
"Dad, I've got a part in the school play
as a man who's been married for 25 years."
"Never mind Son," his Dad says,
"Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part !!

...................

I asked the wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?

...................

I was so embarrassed when I spilled a pint down myself.
The woman at the sperm bank asked, "Christ, how long have you gone without a w4nk?"

...................

I was at work yesterday and one of the women from the office asked me what my ring tone was.
'Light brown like everyone else' I replied. These women are certainly a lot more forward than they used to be !.

...................

I was thinking...It's a funny old world we live in...We had Empires run by Emperors...Then we had Kingdoms run by Kings...Now we have Countries run by...???

...................

I told my girlfriend i had a c0ck like a computer.She asked if it was cos it had loads of ram and a hard drive.
Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was actually microsoft and full of viruses!!.

...................

Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."
Hope so, I've got no tissues left..

...................

I'm a born survivor. My birth mark is in the shape of a coat hanger.

...................

I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain.
The heroin worked a treat for me.

...................

It was so hot today, I went to the park and battered some random Tosser to within an inch of his life.
Just for the downdraft from the air ambulance.

...................

That stupid bitch living across the road has only gone and phoned the police on me AGAIN! She stands in her bedroom window stark bollock naked and watches me while i have a w4nk, but apparently I'm the one who's a pervert!

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
:shocked: I wonder how many of them I can share with my Missus?:yikes:

 

[Slowpoke387]

A skeleton goes into in a bar, the bartender says "what'll it be?"
Skeleton says "a beer and a mop please"

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female, blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The widow returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the blond mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.'

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Black Pig]

Wyoming cowboy

[TABLE="width: 100%"]
[TR]
[TD]A Wyoming cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.


'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked:

Enlightenment came to me today and is worth sharing!

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
Telephone 'Service '
Cable TV 'Service '
Civil 'Service '
State, City, County & Public 'Service '
Customer 'Service '

This is not what I thought 'Service ' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service ' a few cows.
BAM!!!....... It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!!
You are now as enlightened as I am!

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

 

[cuznjohn]

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

That reminds me of a joke...
A Grandfather takes his grandson into the hunting woods for the first time...
As they walk: he tells the young lad about the different trees, how the terrain makes the animals take certain trails, and even how to look for trails between feeding, and bedding areas.
They're walking along a well-used deer trail, when they come across a pile of fresh deer droppings...
"Do you know what those are?, he asks the kid.
"Nope..."
"They're smart pills.
Pick one up, and put it on your tongue."
So the boy bends over, picks one up, and pops it into his mouth. :yikes:
He quickly spits it out, and exclaims,
"Smart pills? They taste like CRAP!" :gaah:
The Grandfather just smiles, and says,
"See; look how much smarter you're getting!" :roflblack: