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Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked:
BoilerAnimal
New member
Little Suzie came home from the playground with a bag of candy. Her mom asked her where she got it. Little Suzie replied that the boys in her class gave her candy to climb to the top of the monkey bars. Little Suzie's mom told her, "Honey, those boys just wanted to see your underwear". Little Suzie responded, "It's OK Mommy, I fooled them! I didn't wear any!"
Bob Denman
New member
Sam Mac
New member
Anger management
[TABLE="class: MsoNormalTable"]
[TR]
[TD="bgcolor: transparent"] When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello..'
I politely said, 'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the
'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled,
'You're an *******!', and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word '*******'
next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills
or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an *******!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my
therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John
Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling
to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because
you're an *******!', and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull
into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled
into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first
******* (I had his number on speed dial), I
thought that I'd better call the BMW *******, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax.
It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked
right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said,
'Yes?'
I said,
'Don, you're an *******!'
Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two *******s to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
I called ******* #1.
He said, 'Hello'
I said, 'You're an *******!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, '*******, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax.
A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer
parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. and you
had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******,' and
hung up.
Then I called ******* #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, *******,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'
I answered, 'Well, *******, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd,
in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war
going down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
I quickly gotinto my car and headed over to Fairfax.
I got therejust in time to watch two *******s
beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop
cars, anoverhead news helicopter andsurrounded
bya news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
[TABLE="class: MsoNormalTable"]
[TR]
[TD="bgcolor: transparent"] When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello..'
I politely said, 'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the
'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled,
'You're an *******!', and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word '*******'
next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills
or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an *******!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my
therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John
Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling
to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because
you're an *******!', and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull
into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled
into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first
******* (I had his number on speed dial), I
thought that I'd better call the BMW *******, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax.
It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked
right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said,
'Yes?'
I said,
'Don, you're an *******!'
Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two *******s to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
I called ******* #1.
He said, 'Hello'
I said, 'You're an *******!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, '*******, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax.
A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer
parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. and you
had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******,' and
hung up.
Then I called ******* #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, *******,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'
I answered, 'Well, *******, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd,
in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war
going down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
I quickly gotinto my car and headed over to Fairfax.
I got therejust in time to watch two *******s
beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop
cars, anoverhead news helicopter andsurrounded
bya news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
Bob Denman
New member
Damn... I'm feeling better also! :clap: :roflblack:Bob Denman
New member
cuznjohn
New member
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
Bob Denman
New member
Sam Mac
New member
The Genie
A guy is walkingalong a Maui beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. Hepicks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has beengranted one wish. The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to liveforever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget andeliminate the debt."
"You craftybastard," says the genie.
A guy is walkingalong a Maui beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. Hepicks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has beengranted one wish. The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to liveforever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget andeliminate the debt."
"You craftybastard," says the genie.
vided
New member
Phyliss Dillerisms
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller
-Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller
Bfromla
Well-known member
home made jokes:
Interesting
Word play
"Think": smooth flow of thought with productive results.
"Thunk": the thought process that bottoms out with unpredictable results![emoji298]️[emoji298]️[emoji615]️
Imagine the brain as an engine for a driveline:
"Uh" is the sound of a clutch slipping.....
"Um" is the sound of the engine seizing from lack of T.L.C.
I wasn't there but I still care!
POW MIA VETS
Interesting
Word play
"Think": smooth flow of thought with productive results.
"Thunk": the thought process that bottoms out with unpredictable results![emoji298]️[emoji298]️[emoji615]️
Imagine the brain as an engine for a driveline:
"Uh" is the sound of a clutch slipping.....
"Um" is the sound of the engine seizing from lack of T.L.C.
I wasn't there but I still care!
POW MIA VETS
Cruzr Joe
New member
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