vided
New member
Lol, my face is burning!!!!!!
i knew the lyric, but no idea it was da monkee's.
:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:
-
There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Lol, my face is burning!!!!!!
i knew the lyric, but no idea it was da monkee's.
:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:
Cruzr Joe
New member
Bob Denman
New member
cuznjohn
New member
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are
gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short
skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he
was ready to order,
“What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to
bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,
“What would you like, sir?”
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
“A quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
“Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.'
gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short
skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he
was ready to order,
“What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to
bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,
“What would you like, sir?”
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
“A quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
“Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.'
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: So THAT's why it keeps happening to me! :banghead:
"Keesh"... I'll have to remember that! :thumbup:
"Keesh"... I'll have to remember that! :thumbup:
Bob Denman
New member
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
:shocked:
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
:shocked:
Bob Denman
New member
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm???"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
The Professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm???"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
The Professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.
Bob Denman
New member
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load my pheasant hunting gear into the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out pheasant hunting in that crap?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped hunting.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out pheasant hunting in that crap?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped hunting.
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: That even hurt me! :shocked:
Bob Denman
New member
A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up acouple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told himshe was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told himshe was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
vided
New member
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.
One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.
Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss, You must feel terrible”.
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:
“Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled horrible. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off waswhen I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled . But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle.”
The old woman fainted.
One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.
Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss, You must feel terrible”.
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:
“Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled horrible. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off waswhen I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled . But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle.”
The old woman fainted.
Cavman
Active member
Bob Denman
New member
The Geography of a Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally
beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for
someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place
to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same
mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self preserving but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful with a mysterious past and the wisdom of ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
The Geography of a Man
Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea, ruled by a pair of nuts!
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally
beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for
someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place
to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same
mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self preserving but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful with a mysterious past and the wisdom of ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
The Geography of a Man
Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea, ruled by a pair of nuts!
Bob Denman
New member
There are some who feel it is inappropriate to make fun of the holy institution of marriage.
Then there are others who know it's the only way we can live with it.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.
Not long after the marriage, Tom and his father met for lunch. "Well son," asked the dad, "how is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid. It seems that I married a nun."
"A nun??" his father exclaimed.
"That's right. None in the morning, none at night and none unless I beg."
The father nodded knowingly, and patted his son on the back. "Why don't we all get together for a nice talk tonight?"
Toms face brightened. "Say Dad, that's a great idea."
"Fine. I'll call and tell Mother Superior to set two extra plates."
Then there are others who know it's the only way we can live with it.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.
Not long after the marriage, Tom and his father met for lunch. "Well son," asked the dad, "how is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid. It seems that I married a nun."
"A nun??" his father exclaimed.
"That's right. None in the morning, none at night and none unless I beg."
The father nodded knowingly, and patted his son on the back. "Why don't we all get together for a nice talk tonight?"
Toms face brightened. "Say Dad, that's a great idea."
"Fine. I'll call and tell Mother Superior to set two extra plates."
vided
New member
Hope this gives you a laugh or at least makes you smile today:
....
....
[TABLE="class: yiv2055780555MsoNormalTable"]
[TR]
[TD]
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"The whole ISIS group," she says.
"Why them," her father asks in shock?
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine,they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot.
And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
"Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard. "
"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of them."
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[TR]
[TD]
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"The whole ISIS group," she says.
"Why them," her father asks in shock?
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine,they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot.
And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
"Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard. "
"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of them."
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
Last edited:
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked:
:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
:clap: :2thumbs:
:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
:clap: :2thumbs:
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