-
There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
Jon and Matt have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Jon says, “Hey, Matt, there’s the Officer's Club. Let’s you and me stop in. ”
“But were privates,” protests Matt.
“Were sergeants now,” says Jon, pulling him inside.
“Now, Matt I’m gonna sit down and have a drink.”
“But were privates,” says Matt.
“You blind?” Asks Jon, pointing at his stripes, “We're sergeants are now.”
So they have their drinks, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Jon.
“You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to screw you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”
Jon pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Matt, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it’s okay, give me the OK sign.”
So Matt goes to look up, comes back, and gives Jon the big OK sign.
Three weeks later Jon is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
“Matt,” he says, “Why’d you give me the OK?”
“Well, Jon, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates.”
He points to his stripes. “But we're sergeants now.”
nojoke
Jerry Baumchen
Jon and Matt have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Jon says, “Hey, Matt, there’s the Officer's Club. Let’s you and me stop in. ”
“But were privates,” protests Matt.
“Were sergeants now,” says Jon, pulling him inside.
“Now, Matt I’m gonna sit down and have a drink.”
“But were privates,” says Matt.
“You blind?” Asks Jon, pointing at his stripes, “We're sergeants are now.”
So they have their drinks, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Jon.
“You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to screw you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”
Jon pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Matt, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it’s okay, give me the OK sign.”
So Matt goes to look up, comes back, and gives Jon the big OK sign.
Three weeks later Jon is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
“Matt,” he says, “Why’d you give me the OK?”
“Well, Jon, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates.”
He points to his stripes. “But we're sergeants now.”
nojoke
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
BigGuy66
Member
Mickey Mouse
Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald duck."
Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald duck."
SpyderConvert
Member
How to Give a Cat a Pill
How to give a cat a pill:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, throw away soggy pill. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill into back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
6. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
7. Place cat in closet and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw away T-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.
8. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat, and ring local pet shop to see if they have any goldfish.
How to give a dog a pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
How to give a cat a pill:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, throw away soggy pill. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill into back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
6. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
7. Place cat in closet and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw away T-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.
8. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat, and ring local pet shop to see if they have any goldfish.
How to give a dog a pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Black Pig
Member
That had me howling with laughter, cheered me right up that did. :thumbup:
Bob Denman
New member
:roflblack: Me too! :roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at
33000 feet when a cocky F-17 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.
The F17 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio (that
is part of his state of the art 3D & million dollar headset), the F17
youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”
He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable
vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound
barrier, as the F17 screamed down at impossible G’s before leveling off
at almost sea level.
The F-17 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?
The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”
The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour, and
then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”
Puzzled, the cocky F-17 pilot asked, “What the hell did you do?”
The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
to the back, went to the can to take a whiz, then got a cup of coffee
and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five
star hotel with the lead flight attendant paid for by the company."
LESSON OF LIFE:
When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may seem like a good
thing!
When you get older and smarter, comfort and dullness is not such a bad
thing!
It's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter!
Dedicated to all my friends approaching the S.O.S. category...
33000 feet when a cocky F-17 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.
The F17 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio (that
is part of his state of the art 3D & million dollar headset), the F17
youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”
He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable
vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound
barrier, as the F17 screamed down at impossible G’s before leveling off
at almost sea level.
The F-17 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?
The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”
The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour, and
then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”
Puzzled, the cocky F-17 pilot asked, “What the hell did you do?”
The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
to the back, went to the can to take a whiz, then got a cup of coffee
and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five
star hotel with the lead flight attendant paid for by the company."
LESSON OF LIFE:
When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may seem like a good
thing!
When you get older and smarter, comfort and dullness is not such a bad
thing!
It's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter!
Dedicated to all my friends approaching the S.O.S. category...
oldguyinTX
New member
The blonde got caught in a bad hailstorm, so she went to the body shop for a repair estimate. The body shop guy decided to have a little fun with her. He says, "you know you can fix this yourself for free. Just get down on your knees, blow real hard into the tailpipe, and you can pop the dents right out." She goes home, gets on her knees and is blowing furiously into the tailpipe when her blonde friend comes by and says "what are you doing?" The first blonde says "I'm trying to blow these dents out of my car." The second one says, "Well duh, you gotta roll up the window first."
Bob Denman
New member
A guy goes into the Broomfield, Colorado, Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!
Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you
have got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at
10:00 am every day."
"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from
8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in your coming in for that."
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!
Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you
have got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at
10:00 am every day."
"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from
8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in your coming in for that."
Bob Denman
New member
Arming The School Staff: Version 2.0
Similar threads
