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Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

Engineers

So one day a Engineer died and wound up going to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action.
The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.
The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.
The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks.

He asks the Devil what's going on?

The Devil replies, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer."

"What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute."

The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

The Devil laughs. "Yea right! where are YOU going to get a lawyer up in Heaven?"

:)
 
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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity level of a twelve-year-old. He stated that it was OK, because he loved her so much. "I, too, have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant, and I hope you could deal with that once we are married." She answered, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis." Sandy and Jim got married, and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite, and they started touch-teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She exclaimed, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"




"Yes, it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, nineteen inches long!"
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After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to
describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an
alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks: "What the hell does that mean?"

He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
Gorgeous, and Hot."

She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
optimistic about saving his testicles.​

​
 
May 5th

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.
Mexicans were crazy about the stuff. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate("desperados") at the loss.

So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.


It is known, of course, as ...sinko de Mayo. :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:
 
Blue Star said:
Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.
Mexicans were crazy about the stuff. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate("desperados") at the loss.

So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.


It is known, of course, as ...sinko de Mayo. :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:
Click to expand...


:clap::clap::clap::clap::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
 
Car keys!! They weren't in my pockets! Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it
had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice."Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"


Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted,"I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"

Welcome to the golden years



​
 
Three blondes were applying for the last available position in the Wyoming Sheriff's Department. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?" The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice such things as distinguishing features and oddities, like scars and tattoos."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the same photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other bimbo? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde replied, "I sure did! This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, examined the picture and began reviewing some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, duhhhhhhh! With only one eye and one ear he certainly can't wear glasses!"
 

The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.


The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"






















Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to say something.
 
Bob Denman said:

The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.


The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
























Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to say something.
Click to expand...





never saw that comin :clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
 
Bob Denman said:

The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.


The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"






















Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to say something.
Click to expand...

Gosh I hope your older than me.....
 
Some words with alternate meanings...


1. ARBITRAITOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s
2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through
4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do
5. EYEDROPPER
Clumsy ophthalmologist
6. CONTROL
A short, ugly inmate.
7. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
8. ECLIPSE
What an English barber does for a living.
9. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
10. HEROES
What a man in a boat does
11. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower
12. PARADOX
Two physicians
13. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm
14. POLARIZE
What penguins see through
15. PRIMATE
Remove your spouse from in front of TV
16. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring
17. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife
18. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does
19. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official
20. PARADIGMS
Twenty cents
 
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