ThreeWheels
Active member
I feel so sorry for Hugh Hefner.
He has nothing to look forward to when he dies.
He has nothing to look forward to when he dies.
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Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: I think that you're right...
The poor guy!
The poor guy!
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
Don't underestimate the old guys.
Jerry Baumchen
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
Don't underestimate the old guys.
Jerry Baumchen
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how his mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home
with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no..
'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Jerry Baumchen
Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how his mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home
with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no..
'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
PrairieSpyder
New member
Where was that when I was struggling to lose weight? nojoke
Bob Denman
New member
I saw THAT one; and did this...
I had to eat two pounds of bacon; smothered in extra-sharp cheddar cheese, to console myself!
I had to eat two pounds of bacon; smothered in extra-sharp cheddar cheese, to console myself!
Bob Denman
New member
Q. What's the Cuban
National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an
Irish family go on vacation ?
A. To a different bar.
.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern
zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F'
word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'
National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an
Irish family go on vacation ?
A. To a different bar.
.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern
zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F'
word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'
PrairieSpyder
New member
:roflblack::roflblack:
Good ones, Bob! :thumbup:
Equal opportunity offender!!
Good ones, Bob! :thumbup:
Equal opportunity offender!!
Bob Denman
New member
That was the title of the email..."Let's offend Everybody"
But I didn't post the entire message... I felt compelled to "tone it down", just a little bit.
pps:
But I didn't post the entire message... I felt compelled to "tone it down", just a little bit.
pps:PrairieSpyder
New member
How Did the Fight Start?
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get sooooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well, I couldn't believe it. He was a dwarf!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I'M NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And that's how the fight started!
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get sooooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well, I couldn't believe it. He was a dwarf!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I'M NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And that's how the fight started!
Bob Denman
New member
The Missus came home from a meeting one evening, and her Mom had called for her.
So I give her the missage...
"Your Mom called."
"What'd she want?"
My reply:
"The same thing for me, that I want for her; a slow painful death!"
THAT's when the fight started!
So I give her the missage...
"Your Mom called."
"What'd she want?"
My reply:
"The same thing for me, that I want for her; a slow painful death!"
THAT's when the fight started!
draboo
New member
A blonde was pulled over for speeding by a blonde state trooper.
"Let me see your drivers license" says the trooper
"I cannot seem to find it. What does it look like?" quips the yellow haired driver
"It's square and has your picture on it" replies the blonde trooper.
The driver finds a mirror and says "Here it is!" and hands it to the trooper.
The trooper hands it back.." You can go. I didn't realize you were a cop".
"Let me see your drivers license" says the trooper
"I cannot seem to find it. What does it look like?" quips the yellow haired driver
"It's square and has your picture on it" replies the blonde trooper.
The driver finds a mirror and says "Here it is!" and hands it to the trooper.
The trooper hands it back.." You can go. I didn't realize you were a cop".
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment......
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!
PrairieSpyder
New member
And old man got sick and landed in hospital. There was this one nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk
to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” Or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry?” He'd had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, he took the apple juice off the tray and put it in the bedside stand. Later he was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,“My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”
At this, the old man snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, “Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”
The nurse fainted... I just smiled.
DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!
to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” Or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry?” He'd had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, he took the apple juice off the tray and put it in the bedside stand. Later he was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,“My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”
At this, the old man snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, “Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”
The nurse fainted... I just smiled.
DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it will take 30 visits and it won't stay changed...
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes a long, long time, it's very expensive, and the light bulb has to WANT to change.
How many gynecologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who cares, he has a head lamp flashlight.
:yikes:
Jerry Baumchen
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it will take 30 visits and it won't stay changed...
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes a long, long time, it's very expensive, and the light bulb has to WANT to change.
How many gynecologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who cares, he has a head lamp flashlight.
:yikes:
Jerry Baumchen
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