Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[mustangbob]

wedding

Attending a wedding for the first time a little girl whispered to her mother,
why is the bride wearing white?
mother replied 'because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest
day of her life.'
the child thought for a moment and then asked,
So why is the groom wearing black?

 

[Bob Denman]

I thought that she asked her Dad the same question...
His response:
"Kitchen appliances should be in white!"

 

[PrairieSpyder]

I thought that she asked her Dad the same question...
His response:
"Kitchen appliances should be in white!"

Bob, it's a good thing your wife already loves you!

 

[Cruzr Joe]

Bob, it's a good thing your wife already loves you!

And that she don't read this forum. :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

Cruzr Joe

 

[Bob Denman]

Bob, it's a good thing your wife already loves you!

:shocked: Does she? :dontknow:

 

[bruiser]

Uh...

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good
Samaritans and take him home.

First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out
where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on
the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the
door. His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your
husband home."[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?

 

[PrairieSpyder]

A friend of mine told me her mother's cooking was really bad. One time after dinner, her father put his plate on the floor for the dog to "clean off." Then the dog went to a corner and made a lot of noise licking it's butt. My friends mother heard it from in the kitchen and asked, "What's that dog doing?"

He father replied, "Trying to get the taste out of his mouth!"

 

[SPECTACUALR SPIDERMAN]

what about the 3 people to tell you about the recall on the 'lamp' - 'bulb'

 

[Bob Denman]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have
killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes
the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous
of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell
me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for
years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front
row raised his hand, and softly said,
‘Wedding Cake.'

 

[Bob Denman]

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Switzerland .
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She
showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they
no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with
your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

 

[Bob Denman]

Would you be upset, or Happy?

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that
her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

 

[Bob Denman]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent
and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment,
killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.
‘Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could still do that,
he could fly.'

 

[Bob Denman]

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed...
"You a-hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning.

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Steven walks up to his friend John of many years. He has always admired his friend John because John has a good job, a beautiful family, and is a deacon in his church. However, Steven notices that John looks extremely distressed.

Steven says: "What's wrong John, you look terrible?"

John: "I just got a letter in the mail. The guy says that if I don't stop sleeping with his wife, he is going to kill me and bury me so that I will never be found."

Steven: "Well, that doesn't seem so bad, why don't you just stop sleeping with his wife and be done with it?"

John: "It wasn't signed."

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A boy is working on his English homework, and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"

His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."

So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?

She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"

The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?

"Oh defintely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.

The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.

"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

"OLD" IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.


Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

That reminds me of a joke... :shocked:
Scholars have tried to distinguish between the words, "Complete", and "Finished", for years; without success...
Finally, and elderly man shows up at their doorstep with the answer...
When a man marries the RIGHT woman; he is complete.
When he marries the WRONG woman; he's finished. :shocked:
And if the RIGHT one, catches him sleeping with the WRONG one; he's done for!! :yikes:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his Spyder, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest bazoomers.

Men are like that, you know.

Jerry Baumchen

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Robert,85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides
that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready
for action. They unite as one. All goes well. Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to
go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert. Again he
is ready for more 'action'.

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Robert
kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it; Robert is back again, rapping on the door
and is as fresh as a 25-year old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that
at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your
age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old. Alzheimer's has its advantages.


:clap:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: What?

:shocked: What?

:shocked: What?