Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

My doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from
a bear in the heavy brush, marched up and down hills and valleys, stood in
a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of mud, sand, and creeks, and
jumped away from an aggressive crocodile.
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome
outdoors-man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer." :shocked:

 

[granpa in Cincy]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."

 

[ARtraveler]

Hello Bob: :crackpipe:you are having way to much fun with this. :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

I know! Ain't it great?? :2thumbs: I'm getting more and more material every day... :thumbup:

 

[Bob Denman]

Once more into the breach!
And before I get myself in any trouble with this one; I'd like to offer an explanation...
I decided to post it only because I think that it's more about mis-application of language than it is about cultures... :shocked:


Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.

No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old
Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said,
"We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill
und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader..
"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they
might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.
Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre every one except the leader. He
manages to escape back to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying
his drink.
The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds
of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a
minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing
through it.
"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree.
It vuz a ham bush!

 

[Heliplt]

Do you know how much Cocaine Charlie Sheen was doing?

Enough to kill two and a half men

 

[BentGamer]

Last night was a very hot August night. And wouldn't you know it the air conditioner was on the fritz. So I decided to go to sleep in my birthday suit. Just as I was walking towards the light switch on the bedroom wall, my wife of 31 years screamed:
"OH MY GOD!!!"
I was startled, as I turned towards her to see what she was so upset about. She was pointing at my
"manhood". I asked her: " What's wrong?!"
She replied in a very concerned voice: " Is THAT ALL WE HAVE LEFT?!"

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked::shocked::shocked::roflblack::thumbup:

 

[Bob Denman]

This one is more about surprises than religion...

 

[sledhead]

My wife asked me to buy her something that went from 0 to 190 in 3 seconds... so I bought her a bathroom scale....:roflblack:

 

[granpa in Cincy]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

[granpa in Cincy]

Billy Bob and Bubba were at a restaurant eating when a lady next to them started choking. Bubba asked her, " can ya swaller"? She shook her head no! Bubba then asked " can ya breathe"? Again, she shook her head NO! Billy Bob runs over, pulls her pants down and licks her butt cheeks! The woman, caught totally off guard, some how manages to break the food free and spits it out. Bubba looks at Billy Bob and says, " I've heard of that thar hind lick maneuver, but never seen nobody do it before !

 

[Bob Denman]

times 2! :thumbup:

 

[granpa in Cincy]

(I'm not sure how well this will come across as it is a rather aural joke. One that doctors and nurses love.)

A young lady is at a doctor's office, her first visit to a new OB-GYN (women's doctor for those who don't know.)

The nurse has gotten her in her gown and seated her on The Table, her feet in the stirrups in that most lady-like pose that women hate and Hustler loves.

In walks the doctor, mature, handsome and wise-looking. He perfunctorily greets her after glancing at her chart, seats himself on the low stool at the end of the table and raises her gown to begin his examination.

As the nurse hands him the speculum (think of stainless steel scissor-type salad tongs), he says to the young lady, "Before we proceed, I need to numb you."

"Okay", she says.

"nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom ", hé slurps.

 

[retread]

I've discovered why I'm getting fat; the shampoo I use in the shower runs down and "adds extra volume and body". So I'm going to start using Dawn dish detergent, it "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

 

[Bob Denman]

Hey! That's a GREAT idea! Maybe I'll suggest it to the Missus.... :shocked: uhhhh Maybe not! :thumbup:

 

[warp10]

Alzheimer's test----good luck

Alzheimer's
Test for Modern Seniors







How fast can you guess these words







1. F_ _K

2. PU_S_

3. S_X

4. P_N_S

5. BOO_S

6. _ _NDOM











------------------------------------------------------------------------------











Answers:



1. FORK

2. PULSE

3. SIX

4. PANTS

5. BOOKS

6. RANDOM



You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?



Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's. You are just a pervert

 

[Bob Denman]

Whew! I was getting worried there for a moment... :thumbup:

 

[retread]

Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's. You are just a pervert

But did you know that there are three levels of version?











PREvert
PERvert
and
PROvert

 

[warp10]

two guys

Two guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.
The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
' The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'