Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: I knew him well... 
ray:
ray:
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There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student:
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Bob Denman
New member
About as self-explanatory; as is necessary. :thumbup:
SpyderConvert
Member
Man of the House
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be
"The Man Of Your House."
He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You wil wash my
back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my
feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, "The frickin' funeral director would be my first guess."
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be
"The Man Of Your House."
He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You wil wash my
back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my
feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, "The frickin' funeral director would be my first guess."
Zip
New member
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
Bob Denman
New member
An elderly woman's husband had just died, and his services were being held in a local funeral home.
A gentleman walked over to the Lady to express his condolences, and ask her about her husband...
"He was my fourth husband, and he was coincidently: a funeral director also.", she told the man.
"Your FOURTH husband? Tell me a little bit about the other three.", he asked.
"When I was in my twenties: I married a banker. He was a wonderful man, but he died in a boating accident. In my forties: I married a circus RingMaster. It was a marvelous time! We toured the Country right up until the Lion ate him..."
In my sixties: I married a Preacher. That marriage didn't last, but we are still friends, and he's going to be performing the graveside service for my current Husband..."
"What an amazing array of occupations! You've let a very interesting life. How did you choose such a variety of men?", he asked.
She smiled, and said that it was easy:
"One for the money"
Two for the Show
Three to get ready
And four; to go!"
A gentleman walked over to the Lady to express his condolences, and ask her about her husband...
"He was my fourth husband, and he was coincidently: a funeral director also.", she told the man.
"Your FOURTH husband? Tell me a little bit about the other three.", he asked.
"When I was in my twenties: I married a banker. He was a wonderful man, but he died in a boating accident. In my forties: I married a circus RingMaster. It was a marvelous time! We toured the Country right up until the Lion ate him..."
In my sixties: I married a Preacher. That marriage didn't last, but we are still friends, and he's going to be performing the graveside service for my current Husband..."
"What an amazing array of occupations! You've let a very interesting life. How did you choose such a variety of men?", he asked.
She smiled, and said that it was easy:
"One for the money"
Two for the Show
Three to get ready
And four; to go!"
SpyderConvert
Member
Afternoon Smiles
Zip
New member
Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the StateTrooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed. :yes:
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed. :yes:
Bob Denman
New member
Lew L
Well-known member
Distant relations
And I'm distantly related to the Tsar of Russia and Nicola Tesla---------
And I'm distantly related to the Tsar of Russia and Nicola Tesla---------
Bob Denman
New member
I'm sure that there's some Brachiosaurus in my DNA...
(Fat, slow, and a walnut-sized brain!)
(Fat, slow, and a walnut-sized brain!)
SpyderConvert
Member
Blame Something Else
....when you are RED.
One evening at dinner, the youngest daughter asks her father:
"Dad, why are you still all red?" -
Well you see my daughter, it's summer, and on a motorcycle, you get sunburn and it gives you red skin.
The girl opines but does not seem totally convinced.
"But dad, in winter you're all red ..."
- Yes, my daughter, but in winter it's cold. On the motorcycle, the cold and the speed make your skin red.
" Then the mother, exhausted, grabs the Jim Beam bottle and hands it to her daughter: "Here, pass the motorcycle to your father! "
....when you are RED.
One evening at dinner, the youngest daughter asks her father:
"Dad, why are you still all red?" -
Well you see my daughter, it's summer, and on a motorcycle, you get sunburn and it gives you red skin.
The girl opines but does not seem totally convinced.
"But dad, in winter you're all red ..."
- Yes, my daughter, but in winter it's cold. On the motorcycle, the cold and the speed make your skin red.
" Then the mother, exhausted, grabs the Jim Beam bottle and hands it to her daughter: "Here, pass the motorcycle to your father! "
Sorry, but I need to vent!!!!
I experienced the WORST customer service at a store in town.
I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.
Friday afternoon I bought something from this store.
I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work.
So Saturday, less than 24 hours later, I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund.
The girl in the store told me NO even though I still had the receipt.
I asked if I could get a replacement instead. Again this person told me "NO."
I asked to talk to a manager, as I'm really not happy, and I explained that I had just bought the item, got it home and it didn't work.
The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr.
I am NEVER buying another lottery ticket from there again!
I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.
Friday afternoon I bought something from this store.
I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work.
So Saturday, less than 24 hours later, I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund.
The girl in the store told me NO even though I still had the receipt.
I asked if I could get a replacement instead. Again this person told me "NO."
I asked to talk to a manager, as I'm really not happy, and I explained that I had just bought the item, got it home and it didn't work.
The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr.
I am NEVER buying another lottery ticket from there again!
SpyderConvert
Member
Sherlock Holmes And Doctor Watson (an oldie)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awakens, nudges his faithful friend and says,
"Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars.
Holmes says, "What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute and says,
"Astronomically, It tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes, silent for a minute, then says, "Watson, you Idiot. Some A**hole has stolen our Tent."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awakens, nudges his faithful friend and says,
"Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars.
Holmes says, "What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute and says,
"Astronomically, It tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes, silent for a minute, then says, "Watson, you Idiot. Some A**hole has stolen our Tent."
SpyderConvert
Member
The Wedding Ceremony
The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying an infant stood up. She started walking slowly towards the minister .
The congregation was aghast - you could hear a pin drop.
The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child.
Chaos ensued.
The bride threw the bouquet into the air, burst out crying and ran from the church.
Then the groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.
The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
There was absolute silence in the church
The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."
And that illustrates what can happen when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.
The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying an infant stood up. She started walking slowly towards the minister .
The congregation was aghast - you could hear a pin drop.
The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child.
Chaos ensued.
The bride threw the bouquet into the air, burst out crying and ran from the church.
Then the groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.
The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
There was absolute silence in the church
The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."
And that illustrates what can happen when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.
SpyderConvert
Member
You Gotta Laugh!!
Zip
New member
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Donna quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school.:banghead:
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Donna quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school.:banghead:
SpyderConvert
Member
The Construction Crew
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those *******s from Lowe’s ever deliver the damn drywall.”
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those *******s from Lowe’s ever deliver the damn drywall.”
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