Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

I have to give credit for this one to Barry... :clap: :bowdown:


This touched me. This once again confirms that the most important information in your
life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet, but from a mentor and on
a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me
it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special
trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he
used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died.

If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of
grand-fatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said, "Son, Don't
marry a woman with big hands. It makes your shmeckel look smaller."

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

Smart Senior Man



A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial".

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000," the jeweler said. "It's the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah."

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, "Sir ....There's no money in that account!"

"I know," said the old man... "But let me tell you about my weekend."

Not All Seniors Are Senile...Happiness, no money needed!

 

[Bob Denman]

Con-joined twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim.
Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on vacation yet, fellas?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every
year, rent a car, and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim nods.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country. ..the history,
the culture, and especially the beer."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap", says John. "Hamburgers and
Molson's beer, that's for us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English
people, they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
John replies: "Gives Jim a chance to drive..."

 

[Bob Denman]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the
boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young
men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he
didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at
school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the
boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself.
"When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks
up.

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be.

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that
would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken
bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

"And worst of all, if he picks up the magazine, he'll be a womanizer
all his life!"


The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as
he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy
tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked
over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's
centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna
run for Congress."​

 

[Bob Denman]

https://youtu.be/i_gFj11nX-g


Camping humor... :roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[ofdave]

wives understand this

 

[Cavman]

Random Guy

https://m.wimp.com/why-you-should-always-pick-up-unknown-numbers/

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack: Priceless!! :clap::clap::clap::clap:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[SpyderConvert]

90th Birthday

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay – I didn’t even have breakfast!”

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate,’ and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.”

“But I didn’t use them.”

”Well, they are here, and you could have.”

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
“We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here.”

“But I didn’t go to any of those shows..” She Pleaded.

“Well, we have them, and you could have.” was the reply.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
“But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his
standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

“But Madam, this check is for only $50.00” “That’s correct” she replied “I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me.”

“But I didn’t sleep with you madam!” said the manager

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”!!

 

[SpyderConvert]

A Blonde and 2 Horses

A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which.

A neighbour suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.

The second horse’s tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail.

Our blonde friend was stuck again.

The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.

Once again, our blonde friend couldn’t tell the two horses apart.

The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height.

When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

 

[Pirate looks at --]

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay – I didn’t even have breakfast!”

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate,’ and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.”

“But I didn’t use them.”

”Well, they are here, and you could have.”

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
“We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here.”

“But I didn’t go to any of those shows..” She Pleaded.

“Well, we have them, and you could have.” was the reply.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
“But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his
standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

“But Madam, this check is for only $50.00” “That’s correct” she replied “I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me.”

“But I didn’t sleep with you madam!” said the manager

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”!!

That is a Bill Engvall Joke!

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]