mowin
New member
It snowing outside. Lol.
-
There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
It snowing outside. Lol.
SpyderConvert
Member
Who Invented Sex?
SpyderConvert
Member
The Terrorist
A fleeing ISIS terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage,
only to find a very frail little old Jewish man at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The ISIS terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an
over-priced western adornment- I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk – and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you,
but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me,
threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant.
It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go In Peace!"
Cursing him again, the desperate ISIS staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”
A fleeing ISIS terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage,
only to find a very frail little old Jewish man at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The ISIS terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an
over-priced western adornment- I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk – and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you,
but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me,
threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant.
It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go In Peace!"
Cursing him again, the desperate ISIS staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”
Bob Denman
New member
:clap::2thumbs::roflblack:
SpyderConvert
Member
Tool Definitions (This is a long one!)
I'm sure some of these have been posted before but this is the most complete list I have seen.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also, very effective at fingernail removal.
Utility Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. It works particularly well on boxes containing items such as seat covers, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, rubber or plastic parts, convertible tops or Tonneau covers. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room, so a doctor can sew up the damage.
Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling roll bar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
Aviation Metal Snips: See Hacksaw.
Pliers/Channel Locks: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
Vise-Grips: Generally used to finish off the rounding of bolt heads that would not come loose with pliers. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire such as the grease inside the wheel hubs you want the bearing race out of. Also used to light those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
Zippo Lighter: See oxyacetylene torch.
Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salem's from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock from your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
Wire Wheel: Cleans rust and paint off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Damn It". Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.
Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front bumper.
Phone: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of the trapped floor jack handle.
Tweezers: A tool for removing wood splinters.
Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise, but used mainly for getting dog s**t off your boot.
Soldering Iron: An extremely hot tool, initially used for connecting wires, that, when dropped, is always caught by the wrong end.
X-ACTO Knife: An extremely sharp tool similar to a Mechanic's Knife. It too, when dropped, is always caught by the wrong end.
E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool 10 times harder than any known drill bit that readily snaps off in holes drilled into broken off bolts.
Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps, hydraulic clutch lines and anything else you may have forgotten to disconnect.
Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
Trouble Light: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
Straight Bladed Screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Detroit, and neatly rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will probably need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight
I'm sure some of these have been posted before but this is the most complete list I have seen.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also, very effective at fingernail removal.
Utility Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. It works particularly well on boxes containing items such as seat covers, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, rubber or plastic parts, convertible tops or Tonneau covers. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room, so a doctor can sew up the damage.
Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling roll bar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
Aviation Metal Snips: See Hacksaw.
Pliers/Channel Locks: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
Vise-Grips: Generally used to finish off the rounding of bolt heads that would not come loose with pliers. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire such as the grease inside the wheel hubs you want the bearing race out of. Also used to light those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
Zippo Lighter: See oxyacetylene torch.
Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salem's from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock from your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
Wire Wheel: Cleans rust and paint off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Damn It". Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.
Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front bumper.
Phone: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of the trapped floor jack handle.
Tweezers: A tool for removing wood splinters.
Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise, but used mainly for getting dog s**t off your boot.
Soldering Iron: An extremely hot tool, initially used for connecting wires, that, when dropped, is always caught by the wrong end.
X-ACTO Knife: An extremely sharp tool similar to a Mechanic's Knife. It too, when dropped, is always caught by the wrong end.
E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool 10 times harder than any known drill bit that readily snaps off in holes drilled into broken off bolts.
Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps, hydraulic clutch lines and anything else you may have forgotten to disconnect.
Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
Trouble Light: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
Straight Bladed Screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Detroit, and neatly rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will probably need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: I think that I own ALL of those tools! :gaah:
Bob Denman
New member
ARtraveler
R.I.P. Dwayne
Fantastic tool list. Those descriptions are for real folks. :thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Good news, folks! :clap:
Bob Denman
New member
This is why I'm not a "Cat-Person"...:shocked:
Bob Denman
New member
How about you??? :dontknow:Bob Denman
New member
:yikes: A NUDE selfie??? :shocked:
:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: You too?? :gaah:
Bob Denman
New member
Was this your job also?? :dontknow:
ARtraveler
R.I.P. Dwayne
They are like that. My tom cat always comes up to the bed in the morning to remind me its time to get up and feed them. The other one just camps in front of the feeder. I gotta like them anyway. :roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
I was hoping that you'd have a story for us! :clap: :2thumbs:
mowin
New member
Yes it was. :roflblack:
Last edited:
Bob Denman
New member
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center.
Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.
This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.
The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said,
"If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' gots ta pay you benefishery $400,000!"
"Now,” Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink da governmen' gonna send ta Afghanistan first?”
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