Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

The first use of the woman's excuse!

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!" And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

 

[SpyderConvert]

Late Night Vet Call

​

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look
after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs
apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful
howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs
locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so
frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although
it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.



Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then
call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his
erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Carol and Rick take their son Marty on holiday to a nude beach.

Rick goes for a walk on the beach and Marty goes and plays in the water.

Carol takes a sunbath on the sunbed.

Marty comes running up to his mom Carol and says, ”Mom,I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!”

The mother says, ”The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”

So Marty goes back to play.

A few minutes later, he comes running back and says, ”Mom, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Dad’s!”

The mom says, ”The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”

So he goes back to play.

After about five minutes later, Marty comes running back and says, ”Mom, I just saw Dad talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”

:yes::yes::yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Indyron]

Words...

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium…

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.


"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

 

[SpyderConvert]

Two Pirates

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet 
in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, 
a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”

Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”

“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”

“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”

“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”

“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

 

[SpyderConvert]

Updated Nursery Rhymes (from England)

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap::2thumbs:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

Who knew?? :dontknow:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

So pass the bacon!! :yes::yes::yes:

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I thought that when they said, "Fly the friendly skies": this is what they meant. :dontknow:

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: :barf:

 

[SpyderConvert]

A Real Groaner

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
Miss Whack, Id like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation." Patty looks at the frog in disbeliefand asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick and thats ok, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with collateral. The frog says "shure I have this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she will have to
consult the bank manager and disappears into the back office. She finds the manager and says,
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who clames to know you and wants to borrow $30.000 and wants to use this as collateral.
She holds up the tiny pink pink elephant."I mean, what is this?".
The bank manager looks back at her and says...... It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone.

 

[PrairieSpyder]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
Miss Whack, Id like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation." Patty looks at the frog in disbeliefand asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick and thats ok, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with collateral. The frog says "shure I have this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she will have to
consult the bank manager and disappears into the back office. She finds the manager and says,
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who clames to know you and wants to borrow $30.000 and wants to use this as collateral.
She holds up the tiny pink pink elephant."I mean, what is this?".
The bank manager looks back at her and says...... It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone.

Groan!!

 

[Lew L]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
Miss Whack, Id like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation." Patty looks at the frog in disbeliefand asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick and thats ok, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with collateral. The frog says "shure I have this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she will have to
consult the bank manager and disappears into the back office. She finds the manager and says,
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who clames to know you and wants to borrow $30.000 and wants to use this as collateral.
She holds up the tiny pink pink elephant."I mean, what is this?".
The bank manager looks back at her and says...... It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone.

I know it's a groaner but my simple mind found it funny on the Christmas Day.

View attachment 156549

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
Miss Whack, Id like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation." Patty looks at the frog in disbeliefand asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick and thats ok, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with collateral. The frog says "shure I have this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she will have to
consult the bank manager and disappears into the back office. She finds the manager and says,
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who clames to know you and wants to borrow $30.000 and wants to use this as collateral.
She holds up the tiny pink pink elephant."I mean, what is this?".
The bank manager looks back at her and says...... It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone.