Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[vided]

When you are 70+......

I was standing in the Club one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you’re seventy...............who cares?

I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

When you’re seventy..............who cares?

I was talking to a young woman in the Club last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Cost me a fat lip, but..When you’re seventy..............who cares?

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...When you’re seventy...............who cares?

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pooltoday. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you’re seventy...............who cares?

I went to the Club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you’re seventy...............who cares?

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[ofdave]

I don't know what's longer..
a microwave minute
or a treadmill minute?

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: It's the minute that it takes for a restroom stall to open up... :yikes:

 

[Bob Denman]

LIfe's Toughest Choice

:dontknow:

 

[vided]

 

[mowin]

Lol

 

[SpyderConvert]

Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello
to this friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto excepta for da train ride down."

"Whadda you meana,Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Granda Centrala Station. My beautiful Virginia, she packa biga basketa fooda.

She bringa da vino, some nicea cigars for me, and we werea lookina forward to da trip, and open uppa da luncha basket .

The conductore comma by, waggina his finger at us anda say, 'no eata ina disa car. Musta usea diningacar.'

So, me and my beautifulVirginia, we go to da dininga car, eat a biga lunch and starta to opena da bottle ofa nicea vino!

Conductore walka by again, waggina his finger anda say, 'No drinka ina disa car! Musta usea cluba car.'

So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.

The conductore, he waggina his finger againa and say: 'No smokina ina disa car. Musta go to smokina car ..'

"We go to smokina car and I smoka my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia, and I, we go to da sleepa car anda go to bed.

We just about to go badaboom badaboom and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting ata da topa hisa voicea..

'Nofolka Virginia !
‘Nofolka Virginia !

"Nexta time, I'ma justa gonna takea da bus."

 

[vided]

 

[vided]

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
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His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him….
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He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak,
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“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”
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“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”
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“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”
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“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”
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The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs.Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”
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The wife replies, “The ******* had a paper route.”
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[WileyTweety]

My contribution

Three nuns returning from a conference crashed and died. They awoke and found themselves before St. Peter and the Golden Gate. St. Peter greets the nuns and welcomes them to Heaven and thanks them for their service to the Lord. He informs them that they each must answer a final biblical question before they can pass through the Golden Gates and enter Heaven. However, he tells them that because of their service, he would not ask them any hard questions.

He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first man on earth?"
The nun smiles and states "Adam!" The angels started singing and bells started ringing and the Golden Gate opened. St. Peter says "Correct sister, you may pass through into Heaven."

He then asks the second nun, "What was the name of the first woman on earth?"
The nun smiles and states "Eve!" The angels started singing and bells started ringing and the Golden Gate opened. St. Peter says "Correct sister, you may pass through into Heaven."

St. Peter turns to the third nun and says "Your question sister is what were Eve's first words to Adam?"
The nun gasps and stated "My, that's a hard one!"

The angels started singing and bells started ringing...........

 

[WileyTweety]

one more

Three women, a blonde, an Asian, and an African American were sitting together on a flight home. There was an explosion in one of the engines and the pilot came over the intercom advising the passengers to prepare for a crash landing.

Immediately the blonde jumped up and got her make up kit and started to put make up on. The other two asked why and she stated that rescuers looked for the pretty ones to rescue first.

The Asian woman started to put on all her jewelry that was in her bag. When asked why she was doing this, she stated that rescuers looked for the rich looking people first.

The African American woman jumped up and started taking off all of her clothes. When they asked her what she was doing, she replied that she wanted to be the first one rescued and that she had read that the first thing rescuers looked for was the black box!

 

[vided]

 

[ofdave]

Police: You were going fast.
Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic.
Police: There isn't any.
Me: I know, that's how far behind I am.

 

[Bob Denman]

What did the Green Grape say to the Purple Grape? :dontknow:









"Breathe; stupid!" :banghead:

 

[Bob Denman]

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards. She
says to the clerk "May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps please."
"What denomination?" says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vey, my God, has it come to this?
Okay, give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative and 32 Reform!"

 

[Bob Denman]

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish man is
sitting between them.
The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000
head of cattle and they call my place /The Jolly Roger/."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000
head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the little old Jewish man who says, "My name is
Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger says, "300 acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing," says Irving .
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
"/Downtown Dallas/."

 

[Bob Denman]

THE DIFFERENCES
The Italian says, "I'm thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

...And THAT's when the fight started! :roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

I should have mentioned that this one is provided by our favorite Cuzn... :bowdown: