Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[cuznjohn]

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

That reminds me of a joke...
A Grandfather takes his grandson into the hunting woods for the first time...
As they walk: he tells the young lad about the different trees, how the terrain makes the animals take certain trails, and even how to look for trails between feeding, and bedding areas.
They're walking along a well-used deer trail, when they come across a pile of fresh deer droppings...
"Do you know what those are?, he asks the kid.
"Nope..."
"They're smart pills.
Pick one up, and put it on your tongue."
So the boy bends over, picks one up, and pops it into his mouth. :yikes:
He quickly spits it out, and exclaims,
"Smart pills? They taste like CRAP!" :gaah:
The Grandfather just smiles, and says,
"See; look how much smarter you're getting!" :roflblack:

 

[vided]

 

[Black Pig]

I told myself I should stop drinking...
But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

..................

One of the boys in my English class has bought a Harry Potter replica wand.
I find this ironic, as he's dyslexic, and therefore can't spell.

..................

Whoever said 'white men can't jump' obviously hasn't seen me get walked in on having a w4nk.

..................

I was tucking into some sausages yesterday when I saw my wife sucking her portion seductively.
"Would you like me to do this to yours?" she asked, playing with her hair.
"Sure," I replied, handing over my plate. "You've put me off it anyway."

.................

I got refused for a job the other day
Apparently putting "gang bang" on your application form is not proof of teamwork..

..................

I was almost late for my Cocaine Awareness Lecture.
Talk about cutting it fine.

..................

"Wow, this is interesting, love." I said to the wife, as I scanned the page on the screen. "It says here that less than a dozen giant squid have ever been spotted alive, yet it's believed there are more than half a million of them living in our deepest oceans."
"What the feck are you telling me this for?" She asked. "You're supposed to be looking for cool designs for a tattoo on my bumcheek."
"I am." I assured her. "But I had to check there'd be enough ink first."

..................

Chinese takeaway - £27.50
Petrol to get there - £3.25
Getting home then realising they didn't give you one of the containers - riceless...

..................

Daniel Radcliffe has revealed that he was 'Dependent on Alcohol' to make it through the final Harry Potter films.

That makes two of us.

..................

I was watching the racing on Channel 4 earlier. "And Number 7 has fallen quite badly at the last hurdle! It looks like he's maybe broken a leg. They're assessing him right now... oh, and what a shame, they've had to shoot him." They don't muck about in North Korean athletics.

..................


What do you call a fat Chinese prostitute?
Chun Ki Ho.


..................

What do you call a hungry homeless Muslim?
Bin Diver

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

Hey Jerry!! :shocked:




I hope that you didn't know this guy! :yikes:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[PrairieSpyder]

Late one night at closing time, two British sailors stumbled out of a bar and right into a real thick fog. As they staggered around trying to find their way, a naval officer emerged from the fog. One of the sailors slurred, "Where are we?"

The officer sneered at them; "Do you know who I am?"

The other sailor said, "Now we're really in trouble. We don't know where we are and this bloke doesn't even know who he is!!"

-------------------------------------------------

Mohammed Ali was on a cross-country flight when it started encountering moderate turbulence. The captain announce that everyone should take their seats and put on their seat-belts. As the flight attendant went down the aisle checking on everyone, she notice that "The Greatest" had not put on his seat-belt. She said, We're encountering turbulence, sir. You should put on your seat-belt."

"Superman don't need no seat-belt."

"Superman don't need no airplane, either."

 

[Blue Star]

True story

Mohamed Ali was on a cross-country flight when it started encountering moderate turbulence. The captain announce that everyone should take their seats and put on their seat-belts. As the flight attendant went down the aisle checking on everyone, she notice that "The Greatest" had not put on his seat-belt. She said, We're encountering turbulence, sir. You should put on your seat-belt."

"Superman don't need no seat-belt."

"Superman don't need to airplane, either."

You might think this is a joke, but about a year ago at my Church we had a guest speaker that (according to him) was sitting across from Mohamed Ali when he said this.

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

And it serves him right... :clap:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

:lecturef_smilie: Don't forget to take your boots off, before coming in the house...

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: Is it really this bad?? :dontknow:

 

[Bob Denman]

nojoke Wine always works! :clap: :2thumbs:

 

[SpyderConvert]

Little Timmy's Question

Little Timmy and his parents went to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, Timmy turned to his mom and asked, "What's that hanging down from that elephant?

"His mom said, "That's the elephant's trunk."

Timmy said, "No, not that. Back underneath the elephant."

His mom, embarrassed, said. "That's nothing."

Timmy isn't satisfied with her response, and turns to his father, "Dad, what's that hanging down underneath that elephant?"

Dad says, "That's the elephant's penis."

"Mom said it was nothing."

"I know, son. I've really spoiled that woman."

 

[SpyderConvert]

The Ex-wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the
garage, just for fun.

His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke.................

"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time
you quit spending all your time out here in the shop.
You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your
gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.”

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied: “I wasn't."