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Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
cuznjohn
New member
A 15-year-old Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall outside their community.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rotund old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… “Go get your Mother.”
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rotund old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… “Go get your Mother.”
JerryB
New member
Hi cuznjohn,
Re: A 15-year-old Amish . . .
A couple of lifetimes ago, I was in the Air Force and stationed in northeastern France. One guy, who roomed next door, said that he grew up with his divorced dad. Seems as though the dad was quite the ladies man & often brought them home. One evening his dad was sitting on the couch with a rather homely woman. He said that the next day he asked his dad what he was doing with that woman. His dad told him that he took her to a wife-swapping function.
:thumbup:
Jerry Baumchen
Re: A 15-year-old Amish . . .
A couple of lifetimes ago, I was in the Air Force and stationed in northeastern France. One guy, who roomed next door, said that he grew up with his divorced dad. Seems as though the dad was quite the ladies man & often brought them home. One evening his dad was sitting on the couch with a rather homely woman. He said that the next day he asked his dad what he was doing with that woman. His dad told him that he took her to a wife-swapping function.
:thumbup:
Jerry Baumchen
PrairieSpyder
New member
The media reports that people in Dubai wouldn't understand the humor in "The Flintstones." But I know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi do! 
Bob Denman
New member
:clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap: :2thumbs:
Bfromla
Well-known member
What starts with an F?
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
more precocious students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!'
Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the
situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give
the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd
grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'Y'know I reckon Harry
can go to the 3rd grade'
But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the
principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.'
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.' to the Principal's great relief.
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene,
Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the
last question.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates
a great deal of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,
"Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself.":firstplace:
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
more precocious students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!'
Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the
situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give
the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd
grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'Y'know I reckon Harry
can go to the 3rd grade'
But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the
principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.'
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.' to the Principal's great relief.
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene,
Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the
last question.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates
a great deal of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,
"Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself.":firstplace:
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Cuzn,
That picture reminds me of my first couple of trips to Lake George, for what was the "Aspencade" convention...
Drag Specialities always had a tractor trailer there, and you could walk through the trailer: filling your arms as you went! :thumbup:
My Missus spent MANY hours sitting just outside the exit door... waiting for me to come up for air! :roflblack::roflblack:
That picture reminds me of my first couple of trips to Lake George, for what was the "Aspencade" convention...
Drag Specialities always had a tractor trailer there, and you could walk through the trailer: filling your arms as you went! :thumbup:
My Missus spent MANY hours sitting just outside the exit door... waiting for me to come up for air! :roflblack::roflblack:
Black Pig
New member
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask
You something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if
I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,
why then did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because this is Halfords."
...............
A cash machine just charged me £2 for a transaction but still told me to cover my PIN to prevent me from being robbed. Pretty ironic if you ask me.
................
A woman hurriedly went into the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional.”
..............
How do you milk sheep?
Release another iPhone
..............
I was watching porn last night when my gran walked in. Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.
..............
Monopoly 2012 UK edition:-
the jail has no spaces left - there's no free parking - no-one can buy any houses because they can't get a mortgage - win or lose, you still have to bail out the banker
..............
A Jamaican walks into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier...
Shocked, the cashier asks..'What's this for?'
The Rastafarian replies..'Me here to open a joint account'
..............
Ian Brady and Myra Hindley are reincarnated as brother and sister,
"This isn't so bad after the sh1t we got up to last time, " said Brady. "Do you think so?" replied Hindley, "Jimmy Savile's our dad. "
..............
I took my misses out yesterday
Ferking brilliant shot
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask
You something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if
I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,
why then did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because this is Halfords."
...............
A cash machine just charged me £2 for a transaction but still told me to cover my PIN to prevent me from being robbed. Pretty ironic if you ask me.
................
A woman hurriedly went into the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional.”
..............
How do you milk sheep?
Release another iPhone
..............
I was watching porn last night when my gran walked in. Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.
..............
Monopoly 2012 UK edition:-
the jail has no spaces left - there's no free parking - no-one can buy any houses because they can't get a mortgage - win or lose, you still have to bail out the banker
..............
A Jamaican walks into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier...
Shocked, the cashier asks..'What's this for?'
The Rastafarian replies..'Me here to open a joint account'
..............
Ian Brady and Myra Hindley are reincarnated as brother and sister,
"This isn't so bad after the sh1t we got up to last time, " said Brady. "Do you think so?" replied Hindley, "Jimmy Savile's our dad. "
..............
I took my misses out yesterday
Ferking brilliant shot
PrairieSpyder
New member
Those are some good ones, especially the one about the iPhone.
But the first one needs some explaining for me. Maybe because I'm a Yank and not Irish.
Also, the second to the last, please.
But the first one needs some explaining for me. Maybe because I'm a Yank and not Irish.
Also, the second to the last, please.
Black Pig
New member
Ah sorry, Halfords is a motorparts superstore.
Myra Hindley and Ian Brady are notorious child murderers from the 1960's both of whom died in prison, Brady just a couple of days ago. Jimmy Saville was a TV celebrity who turned out to be a horrific paedophile, also fortunately dead.
Very British jokes I'm afraid.
Bob Denman
New member
:clap: Thanks for the explanation... I also was in need of some help with them! :2thumbs:
vided
New member
i knew someone would ask. thanks :thumbup::thumbup::thumbup::roflblack::roflblack:
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and lay down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What'swrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
:yikes:
Jerry Baumchen
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and lay down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What'swrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
:yikes:
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: Oye...
:clap:
:clap:
SpyderConvert
Member
Senior Wit
Some old, some new!
Senior Wit
1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
2. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
3. You know that "tingly" little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
4. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim" I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
5. Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
6. The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
7. I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
8. Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
9 If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have placed them on my knees.
10. Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
11. Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
12. At my age, "getting lucky" means walking into a room and actually remembering what I came in there for.
13. I am what is called a "seenager" (senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. I have an ID that gets me into bars and the whiskey store. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
14. Life is great. I have more friends whom I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names
Some old, some new!
Senior Wit
1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
2. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
3. You know that "tingly" little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
4. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim" I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
5. Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
6. The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
7. I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
8. Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
9 If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have placed them on my knees.
10. Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
11. Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
12. At my age, "getting lucky" means walking into a room and actually remembering what I came in there for.
13. I am what is called a "seenager" (senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. I have an ID that gets me into bars and the whiskey store. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
14. Life is great. I have more friends whom I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names
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