Bob Denman
New member
Since it's only two weeks until Easter... 
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There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
vided
New member
Today’s Chuckle…
A Priest and a Rabbi:
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The rabbi responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest: "Father, is it still a requirement of your
church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
A Priest and a Rabbi:
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The rabbi responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest: "Father, is it still a requirement of your
church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Bob Denman
New member
Ham: yes!
But bacon??? :dontknow:
But bacon??? :dontknow:
Bob Denman
New member
Since Baseball Season has also started:
A White Sox fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Yankees fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankees fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees fan." "That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/baseballjokes.html
A White Sox fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Yankees fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankees fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees fan." "That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/baseballjokes.html
Bob Denman
New member
On the first day of the deer hunting season, a hunter fell out of a deer stand and broke both his legs. “Why couldn’t this happen on my last day of hunting?!” the hunter cried to the doctor. “It did,” the doctor replied. :gaah:
Bob Denman
New member
mowin
New member
That's Just wrong.
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: I know... and I never said that it was funny! nojoke
In our Hunter Education classes; we'd tell the kids: If you fall out of a treestand: about the best hope that you can have, is that the fall kills you outright. Do you want to spend the rest of you life in a Hospital bed, or a wheelchair?
(The lesson was to always use a tether...)
They got the message! :thumbup:
In our Hunter Education classes; we'd tell the kids: If you fall out of a treestand: about the best hope that you can have, is that the fall kills you outright. Do you want to spend the rest of you life in a Hospital bed, or a wheelchair?
(The lesson was to always use a tether...)
They got the message! :thumbup:
No one believes seniors
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!
mowin
New member
Nephews started there hunter safety course yesterday evening. The true story of the 14 yo dieing of a gunshot, struck a nerve with the boys. They talked about it on the way home. :thumbup:
Round two it today at 8. Think they will do great.
Bob Denman
New member
:congrats: on their interest in hunting... :thumbup:
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Bob Denman
New member
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Bob Denman
New member
That darn Chicken is at it again...
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from
crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.
JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed
the road or not.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to waterboard that chicken to find out why it
crossed the road.
RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.
NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road
to see what it says.
CARLY FIORINA: Hillary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with the chicken.
BEN CARSON: This isn't brain surgery... It wanted grain.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, she's
a maverick!
BARACK *****: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their
eggs, they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross
the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.
The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground
here.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
BERNIE SANDERS: That little chicken will pay 80% income taxes no
matter what side of the road it's on. She's got to help finance free
college even for those that just want a four year vacation.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
This one should be safe, because it picks on everybody! :roflblack:
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from
crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.
JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed
the road or not.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to waterboard that chicken to find out why it
crossed the road.
RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.
NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road
to see what it says.
CARLY FIORINA: Hillary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with the chicken.
BEN CARSON: This isn't brain surgery... It wanted grain.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, she's
a maverick!
BARACK *****: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their
eggs, they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross
the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.
The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground
here.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
BERNIE SANDERS: That little chicken will pay 80% income taxes no
matter what side of the road it's on. She's got to help finance free
college even for those that just want a four year vacation.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
This one should be safe, because it picks on everybody! :roflblack:
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Bob Denman
New member
[h=2]K.P. Anderson: Antidepressants for Kids[/h] Any kid that has any problem now, they just shove pills down their mouth. Like, every kid 17 years old, 'Oh, we got him on Prozac.' What does a 17-year-old need Prozac for to get through life? When I was 17, my dad's version of anti-depressants would be to, like, hold my head underwater 'til I got a little more excited about living.
IdahoMtnSpyder
Active member
The Confession
The Confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three weeks. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three week's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
The Confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three weeks. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three week's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
IdahoMtnSpyder
Active member
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed,
tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube,
stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite,
pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,
toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave,
return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl,
show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend,
implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel,
ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce,
aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify,
sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil,
embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug,
locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate,
repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for,
die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit,
enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle,
snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate,
spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify,
take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence,
diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip,
flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather,
mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk,
keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize,
brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax,
ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize
and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked.
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed,
tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube,
stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite,
pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,
toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave,
return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl,
show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend,
implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel,
ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce,
aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify,
sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil,
embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug,
locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate,
repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for,
die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit,
enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle,
snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate,
spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify,
take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence,
diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip,
flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather,
mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk,
keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize,
brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax,
ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize
and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked.
IdahoMtnSpyder
Active member
Why Ignorance Rises to Executive Level!
In case you've ever wondered why ignorance rises to the executive
level, here is a simple explanation that is also mathematical proof:
Knowledge is Power. Time is Money
And, as every engineer knows: Power = Work/Time
If Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work/Money
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work/Knowledge
Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero,
regardless of the Work done.
What this means is: The less you know, the more you make!
In case you've ever wondered why ignorance rises to the executive
level, here is a simple explanation that is also mathematical proof:
Knowledge is Power. Time is Money
And, as every engineer knows: Power = Work/Time
If Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work/Money
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work/Knowledge
Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero,
regardless of the Work done.
What this means is: The less you know, the more you make!
IdahoMtnSpyder
Active member
Laws of Work
LAWS OF WORK
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
LAWS OF WORK
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
PrairieSpyder
New member
And large organizations are like septic tanks. The bigger pieces of **** rise to the top!
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