Bob Denman
New member
Once again: Giving credit where it's due...
Thanks, Rob! It brightened my day when you sent it to me! :clap:
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There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Once again: Giving credit where it's due...
Thanks, Rob! It brightened my day when you sent it to me! :clap:
cuznjohn
New member
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4-year-old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
mowin
New member
Think of all the free french fries.. :roflblack:
vided
New member
Degrees of blond
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said
'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting
to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says,
'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when
she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun and,
as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy ... it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when
he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman,
sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew
what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said,
'That was the decision George Washington
had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked
to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported
the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call
on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby,
was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his
dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!'
OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE YOU
MIGHT THINK NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY.
EVEN IF YOU ARE BLONDE YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS:
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when
a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery,"
announced #1 Blonde.
"Do what?" asked #2 Blonde.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said
'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting
to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says,
'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when
she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun and,
as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy ... it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when
he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman,
sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew
what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said,
'That was the decision George Washington
had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked
to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported
the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call
on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby,
was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his
dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!'
OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE YOU
MIGHT THINK NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY.
EVEN IF YOU ARE BLONDE YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS:
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when
a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery,"
announced #1 Blonde.
"Do what?" asked #2 Blonde.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
Bob Denman
New member
"Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman..."
I remember several of them from when I was serving my Collegiate Sentence in New Jersey! :roflblack:
I remember several of them from when I was serving my Collegiate Sentence in New Jersey! :roflblack:
mowin
New member
"Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman..."
I can relate to the last one as I own a lawn care business.
I had a newly relocated city lady/client ask me why someone would have there sod sent out tp be cleaned when she noticed a truck full of sod pulling into the neighbors lot. She then asked me why do I need to mow the lawn every week? Does it grow? I thought you picked the height you liked and it stayed like that.
She's been a client for 8 yrs. And she often says how embarrassing it is to think about when she first moved into the area and how clueless she was about what a lawn does. Yep, those are her words. Lol
JerryB
New member
Hi mowin,
Re: Yep, those are her words.
Another true story. One of the other engineers at work had noticed that his neighbor had torn out his driveway and formed it up for new concrete.
One morning the engineer from work is walking to his car & noticed a concrete truck next door & only the wife was there. So he walked over and asked her where the other people were who would be helping with the pour. She said that her husband and told her to just tell the concrete guys to pour it near the driveway and he would spread it when he got home from work.
Listen folks: There are somethings that you need to leave to the professionals.
Jerry Baumchen
Re: Yep, those are her words.
Another true story. One of the other engineers at work had noticed that his neighbor had torn out his driveway and formed it up for new concrete.
One morning the engineer from work is walking to his car & noticed a concrete truck next door & only the wife was there. So he walked over and asked her where the other people were who would be helping with the pour. She said that her husband and told her to just tell the concrete guys to pour it near the driveway and he would spread it when he got home from work.
Listen folks: There are somethings that you need to leave to the professionals.
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
It might have been cheaper than installing a security gate... :roflblack:
mowin
New member
If I was that driver, I would have had a hard time not dumping that load. My inner voices would have been in a epic battle. :roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
I think that they call that being "stuck on the horns of a moral dilemma...". :dontknow:
mowin
New member
Yep. And depending on how old I would have been at the time, would dictate which inner voice one. :shocked:
Early 20's to late 20's, one immovable pile of concrete.
:roflblack::roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
BigGuy66
Member
At the Retirement Home
The administrator of the local retirement complex was addressing several new folks, single men and women, who were moving in soon. The apartment buildings had a men's wing and a women's wing. The administrator told them, "Men are not to be in the women's wing and women are not to be in the men's wing. The first time one of you is caught in the other's wing, there will be a fifty dollar fine. The second time someone is caught in the opposite wing you will have a one hundred dollar fine. Any questions?" One enterprising chap asked, "How much is a season pass?"
The administrator of the local retirement complex was addressing several new folks, single men and women, who were moving in soon. The apartment buildings had a men's wing and a women's wing. The administrator told them, "Men are not to be in the women's wing and women are not to be in the men's wing. The first time one of you is caught in the other's wing, there will be a fifty dollar fine. The second time someone is caught in the opposite wing you will have a one hundred dollar fine. Any questions?" One enterprising chap asked, "How much is a season pass?"
Bob Denman
New member
Two Trees and a Woodpecker
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
little piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
Now wipe that smile off your face. And pass it on.
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
little piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
Now wipe that smile off your face. And pass it on.
cuznjohn
New member
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy
on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends
in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle
and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
,
"I haven't got an erection," I replied
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco ......................
on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends
in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle
and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
,
"I haven't got an erection," I replied
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco ......................
Bob Denman
New member
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