Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[vided]

Phyliss Dillerisms

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller


Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller



What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller



The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller



Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller



My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller
















































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[Bfromla]

home made jokes:
Interesting
Word play
"Think": smooth flow of thought with productive results.

"Thunk": the thought process that bottoms out with unpredictable results![emoji298]️[emoji298]️[emoji615]️

Imagine the brain as an engine for a driveline:
"Uh" is the sound of a clutch slipping.....
"Um" is the sound of the engine seizing from lack of T.L.C.



I wasn't there but I still care!
POW MIA VETS

 

[Cruzr Joe]

Hi Sam Mac,

Re: after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt

Today, both the House & the Senate are in Republican control. You seeing any movement towards doing either?

Neither do I,

Jerry Baumchen

He will fix that towards the end of January.

Cruzr Joe

 

[cuznjohn]

it was just announced that there was a major plane crash in Poland. they said a two seat plane crashed into a cemetery, so far they found 82 bodies, and said they expect to find more

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

Get off your butt and fix the gutter! (Not suitable for sensitive women!)

Today, My wife said to me,

"Honey, get off your butt and fix that gutter downspout!
And, I want it done before the end of the day!"

Well, as you all know, at my age, and most of my friends, are retired and do have the time to address such "Honey do's"….

So, I invited some of my buddies over to help with the project.

One is a sheet metal worker.

One is an Iron Worker so he came with his welder.

One brought beer and Nachos.

One brought a grill and burgers.

Took us about 6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the beer and burgers.

As usual, the wife is still not happy !!

Can't understand, cause all us guys love it!

Personally, I cannot wait for it to rain.

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: You've flooded the lawn... :banghead:
:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

 

[cuznjohn]

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us.”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those *******s at Home Depot ever deliver the f**king sheet rock…”
Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?
It’s important to consider the impact of your actions on others, especially children. While it’s easy to forget, children are very impressionable

 

[vided]

At least she's learning to use her hands to build something

 

[vided]

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently
faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral
skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the
girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror

There are teachers - and then there are educators!
Don't mess with a nun - they are wicked smart!!













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[Bob Denman]

 

[Sam Mac]

Uber service in WV

:roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

I smell an opportunity here...
If he can mow a couple of lawns during your commute; have him split the money with you, and reduce the cost of the ride! :thumbup:

 

[ruralgirl]

Corny country joke, but my favorite

What goes clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG! clip clop clip clop clip clop ...


A drive-by Amish shooting.

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

I know that this one is mean-spirited, Political, underhanded, and just plain rotten... pps:
But did you hear that Hillary Clinton got a HUGE endorsement from a major Pizza Chain?
That's right: "Little Seizures" is backing her...

:shocked: Sorry... I heard it, and thought that it was cute... :dontknow:

https://youtu.be/vXlST7il84I

 

[vided]

Bless your heart, that's adorable
and funny :thumbup::thumbup::thumbup::roflblack::cheers::roflblack:

 

[mowin]

I know that this one is mean-spirited, Political, underhanded, and just plain rotten... pps:
But did you hear that Hillary Clinton got a HUGE endorsement from a major Pizza Chain?
That's right: "Little Seizures" is backing her...

:shocked: Sorry... I heard it, and thought that it was cute... :dontknow:

https://youtu.be/vXlST7il84I

I figured you toss that one into the mix.. :thumbup:

Bet she orders a Seizure salad..

 

[oldguyinTX]

OK, a previous run of jokes attributed to Phylis Diller made me think of an interview I head with her about 25 years ago. When she was asked "what is your best psychical attribute", she responded "my breasts, but I have to wear open toe shoes to show them off". Still makes me laugh!!

 

[Bfromla]

View attachment 137802 :roflblack:

Its not a DUI if you pay with beer,is it??


I wasn't there but I still care! POW /MIA VETS