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Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

Donald and Hillary go into a bakery, while on the campaign trail. As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She whispers to Donald, "See how clever I am?" The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie." Then she says "I will definitely win the election."

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, theft, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket."
 
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A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a women's group
is hitting from the women's tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball she hacks it 10ft. Then
she attempts again and misses it completely. Then she hacks it 10ft
and again 5ft.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically "I
guess all those f*****g lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds: "Well, there you have it. You
should have taken golf lessons instead"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 68....
 
Hi folks,

These may have been around, but here they are:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”.

The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

:shocked:

Jerry Baumchen
 
Hi folks,

"My dad suggested I register for a donor card; he's a man after my own heart.”

"Why is it old people say "There's no place like home", yet when you put them in one . . . "

"I hate double standards. Why is it that if I have sex with loads of women I’m a player but if a woman does it she’s a lesbian?"

"People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves."

"How do you know if someone’s a vegan? They’ll tell you."

"My fat is a bit like Kim Kardashian. You just can’t get rid of it."

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen
 
THE ULTIMATE ETHNIC JOKE

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German,
an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean,
a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman,
a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a
Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a
Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian,
an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian,
a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian,
a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a
Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a
Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian,
a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian,
a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa
Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean,
an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,
... walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the matre d', after scrutinizing the group...

"You can't come in here without a Thai."
 
JerryB said:
...... When I was a teenager ( a loonngg tiiimme aaagggooo ) is was: FORD = Fix Or Repair Daily...
Click to expand...

We used that one, and also this:

FORD = Found On Road Dead

But it still didn't stop us buying them &/or running them!! I had some bloody noice Fords back then. And funnily enough, most of them were extremely reliable! :thumbup:
 
And then there is this variation that I remember: (to the tune of The Old Rugged Cross)

On a hill far away stood an old Chevrolet,
It's body all tattered and torn,
Along came the Lord in a brand new Ford,
And towed that old Chevy away!
 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive womanwaving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'


He's rather taken abackbecause he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'Ithink you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever beenunfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that Imade love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while yourpartner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyesand says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.
 
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