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Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
ameobe
New member
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.
He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says "I chop wood!"
Son" the general replies "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?" "I chop wood!"
young man" huffs the general "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!" "Well" the young man says "you hired my brother!"
Of course we did" says the general "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says "I chop wood!"
Son" the general replies "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?" "I chop wood!"
young man" huffs the general "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!" "Well" the young man says "you hired my brother!"
Of course we did" says the general "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
Bob Denman
New member
Solving the "Mother In Law problem":
SpyderConvert
Member
Costco Doctor
One day, at the lunch bunch meeting, Nate says to AL, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Al replies
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Nate deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits..
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Nate began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Nate hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
One day, at the lunch bunch meeting, Nate says to AL, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Al replies
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Nate deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits..
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Nate began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Nate hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Bob Denman
New member
That's why Costco is my favorite Store! :clap::roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
Black Pig
New member
That was bloody hilarious!:roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
The really SCARY part :shocked:: I can see myself needing one of those! :banghead:
That's just bad. Funny but bad.
pps:Now that was funny
Saluda
New member
Handle was colored just like an assault weapon ! No wonder it's so dangerous.
Last edited:
vided
New member
Attachments
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A woman got married and had 13 children.
Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children.
Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
Jerry Baumchen
A woman got married and had 13 children.
Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children.
Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
I'd be willing to bet that if you opened up her coffin...........
...She'd be laying there with a peaceful smile on her face!
...She'd be laying there with a peaceful smile on her face!
vided
New member
An 80 year old man is having a drink in a Marion bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, but there is one condition".
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what the condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts 5 $20 bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:
"Paint my house."
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, but there is one condition".
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what the condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts 5 $20 bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:
"Paint my house."
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