my ribs still hurt I've laughed so hard
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Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
my ribs still hurt I've laughed so hard
LMFAO ....:roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
IdahoMtnSpyder
Active member
It's still just thinking about coming to Idaho! Of the 12 ski resorts in the state only Sun Valley is open every day. Three are open weekends only, and 8 are still closed.
Pirate looks at --
New member
Yea the Caravan is Gone!
https://babylonbee.com/news/migrant...isappears-but-leaves-behind-cool-wooden-horse
https://babylonbee.com/news/migrant...isappears-but-leaves-behind-cool-wooden-horse
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul'.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul'.
SpyderConvert
Member
Rowe versus Wade
A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew what the Rowe vs. Wade decision was.
She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said,
"I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware".
A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew what the Rowe vs. Wade decision was.
She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said,
"I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware".
Bob Denman
New member
She's probably more right; than we'd like to think...
Bob Denman
New member
SpyderConvert
Member
Dof For Sale (Oldie??)
Man out walking sees a sign in a garden "talking dog for sale".
He knocks on the door and asks the owner "Are you serious about that sign".
The man invites him in and said "yes, come into the garden and I'll introduce you to him".
In the garden is sat a black Labrador, the man says "hello doggy".
"Excuse me", said the dog, "my name is Rodger".
The man is flabbergasted, "I've never heard a dog talk before,".
The dog tells him he learned to speak 'human talk' as a pup, and when the authorities found out he could understand and speak English he was put to work in undercover work, listening in to spys and criminals, and for his efforts he was awarded a special 'medal' for his work in bringing them to justice.
"On my 4th Birthday, I decided to wind down and work part-time as an Airport security dog, again listening in to thwart criminal activity".
The Man wants the dog and asks the owner "how much do you want for him?"
"$10 he says"
"$10," said the man, "why on earth are you selling a talking dog for only $10?"
"because, he's a lying Bast**d..he's only 9 months old and never been out of the Garden!"
Man out walking sees a sign in a garden "talking dog for sale".
He knocks on the door and asks the owner "Are you serious about that sign".
The man invites him in and said "yes, come into the garden and I'll introduce you to him".
In the garden is sat a black Labrador, the man says "hello doggy".
"Excuse me", said the dog, "my name is Rodger".
The man is flabbergasted, "I've never heard a dog talk before,".
The dog tells him he learned to speak 'human talk' as a pup, and when the authorities found out he could understand and speak English he was put to work in undercover work, listening in to spys and criminals, and for his efforts he was awarded a special 'medal' for his work in bringing them to justice.
"On my 4th Birthday, I decided to wind down and work part-time as an Airport security dog, again listening in to thwart criminal activity".
The Man wants the dog and asks the owner "how much do you want for him?"
"$10 he says"
"$10," said the man, "why on earth are you selling a talking dog for only $10?"
"because, he's a lying Bast**d..he's only 9 months old and never been out of the Garden!"
SpyderConvert
Member
Italian Divorce Hearing
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"
DON'T LAUGH . . . HE WON!
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"
DON'T LAUGH . . . HE WON!
ray:
SpyderConvert
Member
Some Humor About A Bad Economy
When finances get bad, look at the funny side.
THE GLOBAL RECESSION
The recession has hit everybody really hard.
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
When finances get bad, look at the funny side.
THE GLOBAL RECESSION
The recession has hit everybody really hard.
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Bob Denman
New member
SpyderConvert
Member
Just A Thought For The New Year
As we age, this is most appropriate
It wouldn't be funny if it wasn't so true... Julie Andrews turned 80 -
To commemorate her 80th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
Here are the actual lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and
new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few
of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent
and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food
cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin', Thin bones and
fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over
four minutes and repeated encores.) Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.
bob
As we age, this is most appropriate
It wouldn't be funny if it wasn't so true... Julie Andrews turned 80 -
To commemorate her 80th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
Here are the actual lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and
new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few
of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent
and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food
cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin', Thin bones and
fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over
four minutes and repeated encores.) Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.
bob
Bob Denman
New member
December 26th, 2018
Location: Insurance Claims Office Phone System
Caller: "I'd like to report a Homeowner's policy claim."
Claims Rep: "I'm sorry to hear that you've had difficulties:
exactly what happened?"
Caller: "Well, the Missus and I had just settled in on
Christmas Eve, when I heard a loud series of bumps and
scraping noises up on my roof. I sprang to my feet; to see
What was the matter, and ran to a good spot to see my roof.
I couldn't believe what I saw! There was a red sleigh being
pulled by a whole bunch of reindeer, and a fat guy on my roof!
Those critters were kicking the Hell out of my shingles: I
had just put that new roof on, so I was plenty pissed! I
pulled out my .357 mag, and shot a half-dozen of those beasts!
Well: the Old guy jumped off the roof and started running! The
couple of animals that were still alive, also jumped off, and ran
to our Town Park.
But I didn't dare call the Police. That guy kept screaming that
he was always watching, and knew when I was sleeping...
So I have a question for you.
Claims Rep: What is your question, Sir?"
Caller: "Do you have any good recipes for Caribou?"
Location: Insurance Claims Office Phone System
Caller: "I'd like to report a Homeowner's policy claim."
Claims Rep: "I'm sorry to hear that you've had difficulties:
exactly what happened?"
Caller: "Well, the Missus and I had just settled in on
Christmas Eve, when I heard a loud series of bumps and
scraping noises up on my roof. I sprang to my feet; to see
What was the matter, and ran to a good spot to see my roof.
I couldn't believe what I saw! There was a red sleigh being
pulled by a whole bunch of reindeer, and a fat guy on my roof!
Those critters were kicking the Hell out of my shingles: I
had just put that new roof on, so I was plenty pissed! I
pulled out my .357 mag, and shot a half-dozen of those beasts!
Well: the Old guy jumped off the roof and started running! The
couple of animals that were still alive, also jumped off, and ran
to our Town Park.
But I didn't dare call the Police. That guy kept screaming that
he was always watching, and knew when I was sleeping...
So I have a question for you.
Claims Rep: What is your question, Sir?"
Caller: "Do you have any good recipes for Caribou?"
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