Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

A married couple played golf together everyday.One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies tee.
He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly.
She fell face down on the tee, didn't know what hit her.
They had an inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head.
The husband said, "Yes, that was my ball."
The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman's backside, and could the husband throw some light on this?
The husband said, "Oh that must have been my provisional. I wondered where it went." :dontknow:

 

[cuznjohn]

wife and husband talking one day, and the wife say, hun if i die before you, i want you to remarry so you will not be alone. the husband said ok thanks hun. then the wife asked, would you sell this house. husband said, no, too many good memories here to sell the house. then she asked, would you get rid of the bed. he said yes dear, we spent so many loving moments in that bed, and our 3 children were conceived in it, so i couldn't sleep in it knowing how much i would miss you. again she asked another question, hun she said, if i die, would you let your new wife use my golf clubs. to which he replied,

NO SHE IS LEFT HANDED

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I'll bet that this was how they found him the following morning...

 

[PrairieSpyder]

One night at dinner a husband pronounces that he's seen a lawyer to make sure that when he dies the house and all his possessions will have to be sold. He says he doesn't want the wife to remarry and have another son-of-a-bitch living in the house he provided her.

The wife asks about his car. He says, that, too! He doesn't want another son-of-a-bitch driving his nice car!

The wife ass about his Rolex, coin collection, country club membership, etc. He says, that, too! He doesn't want another son-of-a-bitch to benefit from any of that!

After going over everything, he finally asks her, "What do you have to say about that?"

Her only response is, "What makes you think I'll marry another son-of-a-bitch?"

 

[Bob Denman]

And THAT's when it started!!

 

[Iamjoey]

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", he asks the Texan.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Peter Aawen]

Yup! :shocked:


I know that Irishman.

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: That man is now a National Hero... :bowdown:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," replied the old man.

"Poor old fool," thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught?"

The old man replied, "You're the eighth."

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Cavman]

Grandkids

FOR GRANDPA'S ....










Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.



My seven-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.


As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"


Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"


Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"


As I assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.


He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grandson asked.


"Cross my heart," the man replied.


Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing),


"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.


He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.


With a big smile he told her,


"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old b*tch! "





Touches the heart doesn't it?

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife,"that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[vided]

 

[Iamjoey]

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

This is the day for this:

Two idiots were discussing holidays.

One said, "Easter is Jesus's birthday. That's when we put up a tree and put presents around it."

The other said, "No! You're the reason idiots have a bad reputation. You're talking about Christmas. Easter is when they put Jesus up on the cross and he died for all of our sins. Then they put him in a grave. And three days later he came out and saw his shadow and went back inside for six more weeks of cold weather."

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Iamjoey]

 

[vided]

:yikes::yikes::clap::clap::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

 

[HVACR Guy]

Ya. I'm getting in trouble because of you guys and your great jokes. I shared one with the MC riding club on their joke forum and got a reply "Hey, this is a family site". It was the one with the organist and the priest. My family all laughed. Keep the jokes coming, I look forward to seeing them.

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