Joke of the Day Club

[JerryB]

Hi SpyderConvert,

And: "Man who bounce woman on bed spring in the spring, next spring have offspring."

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[cuznjohn]

 

[Arion]

This is rather old but it was funny when it was new, and it's still amusing. Question: What do Michael Jackson and the Chicago Cubs have in common? Answer: Both wear a glove on one hand for no apparent reason.

 

[Arion]

And maybe until we learn how to spell? :yes:

 

[Chupaca]

Hey...!!

I should be insulted..... but that would be one of the new yorkers....:roflblack: I'm good...:roflblack:

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.

No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old
Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said,
"We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill
und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader..
"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they
might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.
Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre every one except the leader. He
manages to escape back to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying
his drink.
The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds
of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a
minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing
through it.
"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree.
It vuz a ham bush!

 

[Bob Denman]

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”

Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.’

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

 

[cuznjohn]

theory and reality

lil johnny comes home from school and asks his day, DAD WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEORY AND REALITY. dad thinks for a minute, and tells johnny, GO IN THE KITCHEN AND ASK MOM IF SHE WOULD SLEEP WITH BOB NEXT DOOR FOR 1 MILLION DOLLARS.
johnny says to dad, she will get mad at me and hit me and send me to my room. dad tells him not to worry, all will be ok. after johnny asks his mom the question, he comes back to dad and says, SHE WILL SLEEP WITH HIM FOR 1 MILLION DOLLARS.
at that point dad says, NOW GO UPSTAIRS AND ASK YOUR 20 YEAR OLD SISTER IF SHE WOULD SLEEP WITH BOB FOR A MILLION DOLLARS. now johnny really starts to panic, his sister hits him all the time, but dad says, DON'T WORRY, IT WILL BE OK. after a few minutes, johnny comes back to his dad and says, WOW DAD, SHE SAID SHE WOULD SLEEP WITH HIM ALSO. so after a long pause, his dad says,

WELL JOHNNY, IN THEORY WE ARE A COUPLE OF MILLIONAIRES, BUT IN REALITY, WE ARE LIVING WITH A COUPLE OF SLUTS

 

[PrairieSpyder]

lil johnny comes home from school and asks his day, DAD WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEORY AND REALITY. dad thinks for a minute, and tells johnny, GO IN THE KITCHEN AND ASK MOM IF SHE WOULD SLEEP WITH BOB NEXT DOOR FOR 1 MILLION DOLLARS.
johnny says to dad, she will get mad at me and hit me and send me to my room. dad tells him not to worry, all will be ok. after johnny asks his mom the question, he comes back to dad and says, SHE WILL SLEEP WITH HIM FOR 1 MILLION DOLLARS.
at that point dad says, NOW GO UPSTAIRS AND ASK YOUR 20 YEAR OLD SISTER IF SHE WOULD SLEEP WITH BOB FOR A MILLION DOLLARS. now johnny really starts to panic, his sister hits him all the time, but dad says, DON'T WORRY, IT WILL BE OK. after a few minutes, johnny comes back to his dad and says, WOW DAD, SHE SAID SHE WOULD SLEEP WITH HIM ALSO. so after a long pause, his dad says,

WELL JOHNNY, IN THEORY WE ARE A COUPLE OF MILLIONAIRES, BUT IN REALITY, WE ARE LIVING WITH A COUPLE OF SLUTS

I used to work for a division manager who was really good a getting things done. After lots of discussion he would say, "It's time to lift the skirts of theory and take a hard look at reality."

 

[Bfromla]

Crude but fitting

 

[Bob Denman]

Speaking of which...

 

[M109Dreamer]

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G920A using Tapatalk

 

[Bob Denman]

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a university chemistry exam. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state: that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"!!!

 

[Grandpot]

A big Marine with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Where did you get that?" The parrot says, "Paris Island. There are thousands of them down there."

 

[Bob Denman]

How I lost my teeth

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer,
when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the
butt.

She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number."

I looked at her and said: "Have you got a pen."

She said, "I sure do."

I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices
you're missing."

My dental surgery is on Monday.

 

[PrairieSpyder]

I used to work for a division manager who was really good a getting things done. After lots of discussion he would say, "It's time to lift the skirts of theory and take a hard look at reality."

That's what I get for posting before I think things through. It should be:

"It's time to lift the skirts of theory and take a hard look at the bare a$$ of reality."

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: Even better! :thumbup:

 

[Bob Denman]

Here is the Lost Chapter in Genesis....

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God
asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would
be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for
you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will
always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she
was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a
headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.


Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam paused, then he asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history...

 

[ARtraveler]

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a university chemistry exam. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state: that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"!!!

Very deep. The student deserved an A. :firstplace:

 

[Bob Denman]

D,
Did you ever have these three jokers in any of your classes?



(They wouldn't have been getting any "A's"...)

 

[ARtraveler]

D,
Did you ever have these three jokers in any of your classes?

View attachment 145543

(They wouldn't have been getting any "A's"...)

Did you have a spy in my class. :roflblack::roflblack: