Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

This morning I was beaten up in an elevator by a rather busty woman.

I was staring at her bazoomers whe she said, "Would you please press one?"

So I did....

I don't remember much after that......





Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

You pressed the WRONG one!
Next time; try the other!

[Bob Denman]

Eskimo Baptism epic failure.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Guardian Angel Airbags.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Moosejaw trucking.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Senator's Sponsors.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Threading the Needle.jpg

[Bob Denman]

You Ugly.jpg

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

During my recent physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day, "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few "leaks" behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of the day I drank 8 beers."

Inspired by thestory, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an outdoorsman!"

No, I replied, "I'm just a crummy golfer."

Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

[dallidion]

Your Corvette may go zero to sixty in three seconds flat but I can go from zero to bitch in an instant...!!!

[Bob Denman]

I seriously doubt that it's true...

[Bob Denman]

I'm Pregnant, John.jpg

Hey Cuzn: Friend of yours??

[Bob Denman]

Q1..
In which battle did Napoleon die?*
his last battle

Q2..
Where was the Declaration of Independence
signed?*
at the bottom of the page

Q3..
River Ravi flows in which state?*
liquid

Q4..
What is the main reason for divorce?*
marriage

Q5..
What is the main reason for failure?*
exams

Q6..
What can you never eat for breakfast?*
Lunch & dinner

Q7..
What looks like half an apple?*
The other half

Q8..
If you throw a red stone into the blue sea
what it will become?*
Wet

Q9..
How can a man go eight dayswithout
sleeping ?*
No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10.
How can you lift an elephant with
one hand?*
You will never find an elephant that
has one hand.

Q11.
If you had three apples and four oranges in one
hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand,
what would you have ?*
Very large hands

Q12.
If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how
long would it take four men to build it?*No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13.
How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor
without cracking it? *



Any way you want, concretefloors
are very hard to crack.

[sddinnh]

Cute - novel answers that are outside the box. As an engineer I appreciate that

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat .....and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .

"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya idiot!"




Jerry Baumchen

[PrairieSpyder]

Q1..
In which battle did Napoleon die?*
his last battle

Q2..
Where was the Declaration of Independence
signed?*
at the bottom of the page

Q3..
River Ravi flows in which state?*
liquid

Q4..
What is the main reason for divorce?*
marriage

Q5..
What is the main reason for failure?*
exams

Q6..
What can you never eat for breakfast?*
Lunch & dinner

Q7..
What looks like half an apple?*
The other half

Q8..
If you throw a red stone into the blue sea
what it will become?*
Wet

Q9..
How can a man go eight dayswithout
sleeping ?*
No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10.
How can you lift an elephant with
one hand?*
You will never find an elephant that
has one hand.

Q11.
If you had three apples and four oranges in one
hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand,
what would you have ?*
Very large hands

Q12.
If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how
long would it take four men to build it?*No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13.
How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor
without cracking it? *



Any way you want, concretefloors
are very hard to crack.

The problem here is imprecise questions . . .

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field tripto the local racetrack (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help........'



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A couple was having a romantic dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Kathleen, soon we will have been married for 40 years, and there's something I have often wondered about. In all of these 40 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Kathleen replied, "Gerry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 40 years, but always for a good reason."

"I never suspected”, said Gerry. “Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Kathleen said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Gerry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "Thank you. I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But what about the second time?"

Kathleen replied "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge?"

"I recall that," says Gerry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course, I can forgive you for that. But tell me about the third time."

"All right", Kathleen said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 73 more votes...and you won?"



Jerry Baumchen

[ThreeWheels]

I feel so sorry for Hugh Hefner.

He has nothing to look forward to when he dies.

[Bob Denman]

I think that you're right...
The poor guy!
The Hef.jpg

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't underestimate the old guys.

Jerry Baumchen

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how his mind is working....

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.

His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home
with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no..

'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

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