Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge,
and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's
license anymore."
"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"
That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.
I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in
the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore'.
So I thanked him and left!"

[Bob Denman]

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services,
when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled:
"Stop! Acts 2:38!"(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that
your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained
what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar:
"Why did you just stand there?
All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.
'Scripture?" replied the burglar.
"She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!!!"

[Bob Denman]

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from
my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction
to her, she stood there and cried.. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s (when I was in school)
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for
class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).
6. Teaching Math In 2010
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his marijuana farm.

[Blue Star]

Husband’s Message (by cellphone):

Honey, a car has hit me outside of the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.

They have been making tests and taking X-rays .

The blow to my head has been very strong.
Fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.



Wife’s Response:

Who is Paula?

[Blue Star]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce,
it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
little children
of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.

[Bob Denman]

[Trickie Dick]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!" she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

"Feels great" he replied, "but I still think my thumb's broken."...

[Woody]

Take a close look at the upper right of this picture. Bob Denman, Do you have a second hobby behind Spyders?

[Bob Denman]

Which picture?

[Woody]

] Expand this photo and Take a close look at the upper right. - (The one with the boxer dog) Cant seem to get it right this morning.

[Bob Denman]

I guess that's one story that I'll NEVER tell!

[bruiser]

Got a part time job last week. I went to work at the local AAMCO shop. I quit this morning. The work was to exhausting. I do have another part time job lined up tomorrow.

[Bob Denman]

Dead Groom.jpg

[Bob Denman]

The Deer Laughed.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Redneck Area.jpg

[Bob Denman]

The Other Line.jpg

[Bob Denman]

The Original Playstation.jpg

[bruiser]

Started my new part time job yesterday at the well drilling company. Quit this afternoon. Too boring.

[Bob Denman]

I've been working part-time as a hitman for the mob...
I'm making a killing!!

[Bob Denman]

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."


I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

[bruiser]

badda bing.

[bruiser]

Worked part time as a refuse collector. Got tired of all the trash I had to pick up.

[bruiser]

Worked on a farm counting sheep. Got fired for falling asleep on the job.

[Bob Denman]

I got a job as a line-worker for a plant producing the new LED light bulbs..
I ilked it ; it was... enlightening!!

[Black Pig]

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."


I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

I had tears in y eyes and the end of these....

Brilliant!