Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Cruzr Joe]

Teacher asks her class "who is a fan of President O'b***

most of the children want to be liked by the teacher so they raise their hands ................. all except Johnny (yeah, you know him)
Teacher asks Johnny why he did not raise his hand, Johnny replies, because i am a Republican
Teacher asks why are you a Republican? Johnny replies My Mother and Father are Republicans so i am a Republican
The frustrated teacher asks what if your Mom was an Idiot and your father was a Moron, then what would you be? to which
Johnny promptly replied "A fan of President O'b***"

[cuznjohn]

SENIOR SEX The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." —
╔═════════════ ೋღ ღೋ ══════════════╗

[vided]

[Bfromla]

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Left Tackle?”


I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, Make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make a Bloody Mary

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion, suddenly you're in bed with a relative

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven un-assembled.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?!

[vided]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.


4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.


5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment)n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.


6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male.....,,. A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.


7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.


8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl)n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;





He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra;
you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said..... What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the
fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Grandpot]

Some guy stole my wife's credit card. I told him to keep it; he spent less money.

[Bfromla]

I'm guess I'm the exception that proves the rule! I lived 15 years in Louisiana, retired on June 30, 2006, and had a U-Haul truck reserved for July 10 to pack up and move back to Idaho. Told the folks in LA I was going back to where summer is summer and winter is winter and the two don't mixed up together!!!

[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)] Not an exception you are going back Nothing wrong with that. We know you'll miss the Cajun food, mud bugs & 11 1/2month riding season. You will enjoy lighter utility bills as you loose the humidity & find yourself acclimated to odd temp environments, not needing conditioning as much, just within tolerance. & you will enjoy outdoor events more for some reason[/COLOR]Depending on what part of the state you were at know youll proablly come back for some fishing either cuz you did it & love it or missed it

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

While I hope you all enjoy this one, maybe the pilots out there will really like it; you out there, Jack?

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower land-line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled:

"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!"

He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're travelling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: "The s*** in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."



Jerry Baumchen

[vided]

[Bob Denman]

Well; it WAS an accurate assessment of the situation...

[vided]

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A mother was working in the kitchen and her son was playing in his room with a train. When his train was pulling to a stop, she heard him saying:

"All of you S*** O* B******'s who want to get off, get the h*** off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you S*** O* B******'s who are returning and want to get on, get your a**** on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are P***** O** about the TWO HOUR delay, see the b**** in the kitchen."



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

A man walks into a bar with his alligator and asks: "Do you serve lawyers here?".
The bartender says: "Yes, of course we do!"

The man says, "OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator."

[Bob Denman]

[mowin]

I say we change the design to cover the 90%.

[Bob Denman]

A married couple played golf together everyday.One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies tee.
He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly.
She fell face down on the tee, didn't know what hit her.
They had an inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head.
The husband said, "Yes, that was my ball."
The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman's backside, and could the husband throw some light on this?
The husband said, "Oh that must have been my provisional. I wondered where it went."

[cuznjohn]

wife and husband talking one day, and the wife say, hun if i die before you, i want you to remarry so you will not be alone. the husband said ok thanks hun. then the wife asked, would you sell this house. husband said, no, too many good memories here to sell the house. then she asked, would you get rid of the bed. he said yes dear, we spent so many loving moments in that bed, and our 3 children were conceived in it, so i couldn't sleep in it knowing how much i would miss you. again she asked another question, hun she said, if i die, would you let your new wife use my golf clubs. to which he replied,

NO SHE IS LEFT HANDED

[vided]

[Bob Denman]

I'll bet that this was how they found him the following morning...

[PrairieSpyder]

One night at dinner a husband pronounces that he's seen a lawyer to make sure that when he dies the house and all his possessions will have to be sold. He says he doesn't want the wife to remarry and have another son-of-a-bitch living in the house he provided her.

The wife asks about his car. He says, that, too! He doesn't want another son-of-a-bitch driving his nice car!

The wife ass about his Rolex, coin collection, country club membership, etc. He says, that, too! He doesn't want another son-of-a-bitch to benefit from any of that!

After going over everything, he finally asks her, "What do you have to say about that?"

Her only response is, "What makes you think I'll marry another son-of-a-bitch?"

[Bob Denman]

And THAT's when it started!!

[Iamjoey]

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", he asks the Texan.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".



Jerry Baumchen

[Peter Aawen]

Yup!


I know that Irishman.

[Bob Denman]

That man is now a National Hero...