Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
An attorney arrived home late,after a very tough day trying to get astay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
him about , 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. Ando n and on and on
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he pouredhimself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soakin thebathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of herhusband, bent over naked,drying his legs and
feet.'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'TYOU EVER STOP?!'
A businessman in the first class cabin decided to talk to the drop
dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?"
Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"
Businessman: "Lovely name ... any relation to Mercedes Benz?"
Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"
Businessman: "How close?"
Flight Attendant: "Same price"
A businessman in the first class cabin decided to talk to the drop
dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?"
Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"
Businessman: "Lovely name ... any relation to Mercedes Benz?"
Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"
Businessman: "How close?"
Flight Attendant: "Same price"
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Aer kLingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue nervously made the following painful announcement..:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service...I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals...
I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. , "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."
Her next announcement came four hours later...
"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
At the age of thirty, this young man had never had sex in his life because he was so embarrassed by his small manhood.
He finally went to a plastic surgeon to seek help. The plastic surgeon had a great bedside manner and told the young man, "C'mon now, there's a lot of less than average sized men out there."
The young man says, "Doc, you really don't understand. I never take off my pants - anywhere."
So, the Doc says, "Alright, well at some point I'm going to have to see what I'm working with here, so close your eyes, drop your drawers and let me take a look." With the young man's eyes closed, the Doctor takes a look and cringes.
The young man opens his eyes and pleads with him, "Is there anything you can do to help Doc? Please tell me you can help me."
The Doctor tells the young man, "Yes, I think I can help you, but there's one catch... about the only thing I can do is sew on a small baby elephant's trunk."
The young man is so elated that he's jumping up and down for joy and says, "Let's schedule the surgery for tomorrow!!!!"
The young man goes in for surgery at 7 AM and comes out of the anesthesia around 10 AM. He looks under the covers and is astonished. He jumps out of bed and starts waving the elephant's trunk all around the place.
The Doctor comes in and tells him it was a success.
The young man asks him, "How long before I can use it?!?!?!?!"
The Doctor says, "I don't see any reason that you couldn't start tomorrow night."
The young man lunges across the room, grabs up the phone and calls a female friend of his and tells her he's been cured!!! She wasn't too sure about this, but being a good friend, she listens. He asks her out to dinner the next night. "We'll get dressed up, I'll pick you up at 8 o'clock and we'll go somewhere really fancy." She agrees.
The next night, he picks her up and takes her to the most fancy restaurant in town... has those horseshoe dining tables and booths. The Maitre'd sits the at the table he's reserved, the waiter brings out water and some warm dinner rolls.
The young man slips his arm around her and tells her that he can't wait to show her....
SUDDENLY, the small elephant's trunk sneaks out from under the table, reaches into the basket of dinner rolls and sneaks back under the table.
The lady that's with him is aghast, stunned and smitten.
He has this look of shame and embarrassment on his face.
She turns to him and looks deep into his eyes and says, "Can you make it do that again????"
The young man says, "I think so, but I don't know if my butt can handle another hot roll shoved up it."
Jerry Baumchen
'I'll never forget what's her name.'
'Things are more like they are now than they ever have been before.' Dwight Eisenhower
Watching Congress is like watching elephants mate!
It's done on a very high level, there's a lot of screaming and roaring involved, and it takes two years to see the results!
2014 Copper RTS
Tri-Axis bars, CB, BajaRon sway bar & shock adjusters, SpyderPop's Bumpskid, NBV peg brackets, LED headlights and modulator, Wolo trumpet air horns, trailer hitch, custom trailer harness, high mount turn signals, Custom Dynamics brake light, LED turn signal lights on mirrors, LED strip light for a dash light, garage door opener, LED lights in frunk, trunk, and saddlebags, RAM mounts and cradles for tablet (for GPS) and phone (for music), and Smooth Spyder belt tensioner.
Ralph just got placed in the "lifer ward" of the state's maximum prison, to begin serving a life sentence. The warden ran a tight ship, and allowed the inmates little freedom or activities to occupy their time. So except for a brief 30 minute solitary exercise walk, the inmates spend all their time cooped up in their cell, enduring endless boredom. Most of Ralph's fellow inmates had been there a long, long time.
Ralph introduced himself to his cellmate, Cliff, an older quiet man, whose personality seemed, like most of the other inmates, to have been worn down by years of monotonous existence. Ralph unpacked the few personal belongings they allowed him to have, and then laid down on his cot, wondering how things were going to go. And how long it might be before he, too, had the spark of life drained out of him.
Hours passed with very little chit chat being exchanged between the other inmates. As darkness fell on his first night, Ralph prepared to retire for the night. Suddenly a loud yell "ONE HUNDRED THIRTEEN!" shattered the silence. Seconds later, the ward erupted in laughter.
"That was strange", Ralph thought. The laughter subsided. But then a minutes or so later, another loud yell "FIFTY SEVEN!" broke the silence, followed, seconds later, with another uproar of laughter. This "number-followed-by-laughter" was repeated a few times before Ralph ask Cliff what it was all about.
"Well," said Cliff, "most of us have been here ages. We used to entertain ourselves by telling jokes at night, when the bustle of the day was over, and the guards would be a little more lenient. But it wasn't too long before everyone had exhausted all the jokes they knew, and then repeatedly retold them over and over. Soon it got to the point were we knew what the joke was once the first few words of the joke were uttered. So to shorten the process, we assigned numbers to the jokes that we all knew. Then to tell a joke, instead of actually repeating the words of the joke, you'd just call out the number of the joke you wanted to tell."
"Hmm ... So how many jokes do you guys know?" asked Ralph.
"One hundred and twenty seven", replied Cliff. "Would you like to try telling one?"
Ralph pondered that question a bit, and thought "Why not? Seems like the only communal activity here, and I might as well try to fit in". "Sure" Ralph said, "I'll give it a go. Let me think of a number..."
"EIGHTEEN!" Ralph screamed. Silence. Three seconds, five seconds, ten seconds. Obviously there wasn't going to be any laughter.
"So what happened, Cliff? Is EIGHTEEN no longer a joke, or maybe it is a crummy joke no one really likes?"
Cliff replied: "No, 18 is a great joke, usually very funny. Perhaps it was the way you told it."
Jerry Baumchen
'I'll never forget what's her name.'
'Things are more like they are now than they ever have been before.' Dwight Eisenhower
The following joke is a little risque'; so you are forwarned.
Now that I know none of you will not read it, here goes:
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine.
It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" asks Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up.
So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.
"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
Jerry Baumchen
'I'll never forget what's her name.'
'Things are more like they are now than they ever have been before.' Dwight Eisenhower
People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the
positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a
frozen carburetor.
Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper
on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The
biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full- face
helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.
What's the matter? Asked the Trooper
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't," said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly
warmed the carburetor as promised.
Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks
from the father of the motorcyclist.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."
2014 Copper RTS
Tri-Axis bars, CB, BajaRon sway bar & shock adjusters, SpyderPop's Bumpskid, NBV peg brackets, LED headlights and modulator, Wolo trumpet air horns, trailer hitch, custom trailer harness, high mount turn signals, Custom Dynamics brake light, LED turn signal lights on mirrors, LED strip light for a dash light, garage door opener, LED lights in frunk, trunk, and saddlebags, RAM mounts and cradles for tablet (for GPS) and phone (for music), and Smooth Spyder belt tensioner.
People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the
positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a
frozen carburetor.
Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper
on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The
biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full- face
helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.
What's the matter? Asked the Trooper
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't," said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly
warmed the carburetor as promised.
Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
A private Lear jet arrives at Heathrow international airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.
You'll have to try and re-post this one early in November, 2016...
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Originally Posted by Bob Denman
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